This is Not Me...

"Freedom of Choice", A Perfect Circle

2011-11-03T01:13:00.000-04:00

Dear everyone in living in my house currently,

Kindly grow the fuck up, take responsibility for your own shit and quit being an overall piece of shit about just about everything.

Pardon the slight bitch fit here, but I'm kind of tired of everything that goes fucking wrong in the house trickling down and becoming my problem... No one wants to take responsibility for their lives/shit/everything involving them and it's getting really old, really quick...

"Bender", Big D and The Kids Table

2011-10-19T16:57:00.000-04:00

So, I was recently hired at Marc's at Midtown. Cool, right? I can finally say I have a source of income, I can pay for shit and slowly start to get my shit together, right? Sure. Except none of the supervisors or managers pay attention to me. None of the other employees do too, for that matter. I kind of feel like a space-waster that knows how to run the register somewhat. This week, though... Ugh... Monday and today mark the first two days I ran the register all by my lonesome, so to speak. The only bad part about that is I was pretty much ignored when I asked for a break. Monday, I put MYSELF on break at about 1:30 in the afternoon (after being at the counter since 9:00 am) and today, I put myself on break, again, at 2:00 after asking 3 times prior. What the fuck? That, and it's like none of the managers there really have a good grasp on what they're doing for the most part. I was always under the impression that if you're going to go up the ranks and go from just an employee to supervisor or manager, it'd be in your best interest to know what you're doing, you know? But what do I know... So, in a nutshell, I was pretty much hired into a complete circus act that pretends to be an actual store and almost cares about it's employees... Great...

"Don't Forget The Streets", The Slackers

2011-10-09T14:53:00.000-04:00

Pardon the mini-vent here, but I have no sympathy for people who bitch about how miserable they are anymore. Sure, I'll admit fully that I have my bouts of being sick of everything and "oh, my life sucks" blah, blah, blah, fine. I admit it. But I either talk about it with Sharpie, or I put it here. I don't go around moping about, crying and "thinking out loud" about why 'my life is so miserable' and what have you. This whole little thing is brought about by Penguin. For those who don't know, she goes on little vacations and bus trips with the YMCA every month, almost. Sure, it works in my favour 'cause I get the house to myself for a day to a week. Great, I love the time alone, it's fine. She got back from a nice stay at this hotel in Burton, OH this morning and burst into a fit of tears almost as soon as she walked in the door. Why? Because I wasn't home enough yesterday to spend the day cleaning it. Whenever they're gone, that's mostly what I do. I clean. All day. I bust ass making sure the house looks half way presentable (inside, anyway) by making sure the dishes are done, the living room is vacuumed, the kitchen is swept-I'll even mop it from time to time (assuming I can find a functioning mop), all the old papers from the past 2-3 weeks are bagged and out of the way, straighten up the counter tops, make sure the dog and cats are taken care of and what have you. I even get a little bit of a treat by getting my laundry done. Sweet, right? Anyway, I make sure the house is all squared away in a nut shell. The only thing that sucks about it is not 20 minutes after they walk back in through the doors, it's like an atom bomb went off in the house. I'm not even joking. Papers are thrown everywhere, dirty dish towels are all over the kitchen like fucking magic, and the place goes right back to looking like a cluttered shit-hole. So, after their trip this weekend, she comes back and throws a bitch-fit and a half because nothing got done and because "oh, I wish I'd never come back here" blah, blah, blah. In my book, she has no reason to bitch and complain and carry herself like she has the worst life in the world. She has a nice, new car. She has a nice house. She goes on these bus trips and vacations like it's her job anymore and she goes out to eat on a fucking daily basis. Frankly, I'd like to see her walk up to Speedway to put the last dollar to her name into getting a cup of coffee in my shoes. I'd like to see her walk a mile in Colleen's or my dad's shoes. Live a day in one of our lives, and I'm sure it'd change her perspective on things in a fucking hurry. Now, before anyone starts yelling out "hypocrite! You just spent half this post complaining about people who complain about their supposedly miserable life, what the fuck?", I'm not complaining about my life. I'm just saying I have it a little harder than she does. I don't have a car (again), I haven't started my job at Marc's yet so still no paycheck, I'm mostly broke all the time unless I feel like going out scrapping with my dad-and speaking of my dad, I get to watch his health slowly deteriorate BECAUSE of scrapping and the disease. Colleen's life is slowly but steadily going down the shitter and, really, shit sucks all around. Sure, I spend a little time bitching and complaining about it, but I don't go around essentially looking for attention because of it. It really pisses me off when she does that...

"Don't You Want a Man", The Slackers

2011-09-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

Pardon the mini bitch fit here, but how in the blue blazing hell did I end up with such a fucking moron? Really... It's truly astounding. Never aim for an actual steady job that actually pays enough to get shit taken care of, one you can actually get to or what have you. No, go for the ones that you "know you can get into because you know a guy who knows a guy..." blah, blah, bullshit. What the fuck, how did it come to this?

"Augen Auf", Oomph!

2011-09-20T14:24:00.002-04:00

Last time I made an entry on here, Borders was still in business. Closing? Yes, but still open. Now it's gone... Seeing a bookstore like that go under really just...bothered me. Our parents' saw things go under like that through out their life, but our generation hasn't really seen anything like that before. With all the new Kindles, iPads and various other tablets and e-readers and shit, it's no wonder... Does this open up possibilities for little mom and pop bookstores? Sure, but there's also the chance that they'll go under too.

I went out to Strongsville yesterday to throw in a few applications at the mall and on the way there, you pass what was a HUGE Borders before the mall. Seeing it closed up and empty was probably the most depressing thing I've seen in a minute...

Rest in Peace, Borders. I knew ye well...

(EDIT: Because Photobucket is retarded half of the time, the pic is huge. Yes, I resized it, but it's probably going to take it's good ol' time fixing its self.)

"Kiss With a Fist", Florence & The Machine

2011-08-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say this: My room is the dingiest, dirtiest, dustiest room in the whole house. Why, then, am I getting bitched at for trying to keep a CLEAN room? If anyone could explain this, it'd be fantastic.

"What a Wicked Gang Are We", Streetlight Manifesto

2011-08-23T21:27:00.000-04:00

"Oh! My Dear! My tis of thee!
What a tangled web we weave!
Everyone is the one until the one falls down
Then we're all just "Please! Please! Please!"
The painted rust will only
fool the fools for just so long
Eventually, that's when they'll see everything was wrong"

Never in my life have lyrics rang so true, given everything that's going on lately. In a nutshell, Colleen's life is going to shit, I'm fairly convinced my dad's gone off the deep end, I'll be jobless come the end of the week and I'm in a dead relationshit. There. I said it and, frankly, it feels good to finally let it out. It's not that the manfriend is the most horrible person on earth, we're just not a good pair. That and, to be perfectly honest, he's...stupid, to put it nicely. Not "special ed" stupid, but hang-out-the-window-of-a-car-going-65+mph-to-scream-at-a-Mustang stupid. The try-to-have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too kind of stupid. For the record, as far as the hanging out the window of a speeding car statement goes, it's entirely based on truth. I wish I could say I was joking. While we were on our way to the Feast of The Assumption (AKA: big Cleveland style guido fest), we took the freeway (obviously). The freeway in question runs into "Dead Man's Curve", which is one of the nastiest curves in Cleveland. As we were coming up on said curve, I spot a Mustang and comment on how it's ugly and that "if you're going to spend a shit-load of money on a car, get a Dodge. They're prettier". Having said that, the manfriend decides it's a good idea to hang out the window of my car and start screaming at it. At what FUCKING POINT does ANY OF THAT sound like a good idea? Hopefully, anyone reading any of this would say "um..no part of that sounds like a good idea." with "why are you dating such a moron?" attached. To be honest, I have no idea. As with most things, he wasn't always an idiot. Sure, he didn't think when it came to certain things, but he wasn't a complete idiot. Now, well, the same can't be said. I'm kind of hoping the more stand-off-ish I become, the more discouraged he'll be, thus saving me a huge bawtastrophy. As far as anything else goes, well, where the fuck do I go from here? I'm about to be out on my ass for a job, scrapping isn't helping much, shit's getting expensive and I'm stuck asking "what the hell?". There isn't a doubt in my mind that I fucked up when I quit BP. Now I can't catch a break... Well, technically I did when Ihop hired me, but at the same time, I'm not quite cut out to be a waitress. It's not that I'm lazy or don't care, I just can't get it. If time is of the essence at a diner/restaurant, standing around trying to figure out what food goes where and taking the time to do it right isn't helping. That and Sunday's are the fucking work of the devil as far as that goes... The most I can hope for, at this point anyway, is for somewhere to hire me and I pick up on whatever it is quick...

"Evening", Calabrese

2011-08-14T18:00:00.000-04:00

Dear guy who hit on me at the laundromat,

While I appreciate the indirect compliment and what have you, when I go to a laundromat, I'm there to do laundry. Not to be asked for my number.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

The odd looking girl in the corner reading Battle Royale.

"Imagine", A Perfect Circle

2011-08-03T21:03:00.000-04:00

My dad's really starting to scare me... I tried calling him today, fairly convinced it was going straight to voicemail because he, apparently, has no idea how to answer a phone, but instead there was an automated message saying the phone number was wrong. What the fuck? So, either his phone is perma-broke or it's been deactivated, my money being on the latter. Fantastic, right? So I couldn't get a hold of him even if I wanted to... I have no idea where he is, what he's doing, where my car is or anything. It's great feeling left in the dark... Really, it is /sarcasm.

"Kick Out The Jams", MC5

2011-07-31T12:41:00.000-04:00

Penguin's gone for the weekend. Thank fucking christ!

2011-07-28T22:13:00.001-04:00

Your dad took killer profile pics before you did and he’s rowed a tree stump across the woods to prove it. He didn’t have Facebook, but if he did, the online world would have been knuckle-punch stunned by the WTF self shots he’s posed for. Inspired from acid trips, he recreated the absurd images that his drug induced brain conjured from its synaptic firings and then captured them for everyone to see. He was a sea Captain of the woods water that rode an unassembled canoe in hunt of the great hairy land mermaid. If you want to see his profile pic, just look on your grandparent’s actual walls or in their real photo albums.

So hipsters, next time you’re photoshopping pics or posing with taxidermied animals in hopes of one upping all your friend’s digital defaults, remember this…

Your dad was photographic gold before you were.

Aannnnd this is why I love the internet.

"C'mon Let's Go", Bendover

2011-07-26T20:25:00.000-04:00

And..I give up. If someone could explain to me why I bother getting excited for anything anymore, that'd be great, 'cause I sure as shit can't tell you.

In a nut shell, my dad's truck is pretty much FUBAR. He replaced the starter, and in doing so, accidently fucked a part of the clutch up. So now, even with the new starter and clutch line, the fucking thing STILL won't start. Fantastic. So, even though my dad HAS a truck, I STILL don't have a car simply because said truck is fucking beyond repair. And, of course, it would happen the day before I have orientation to a new job. At this point, I'm not even sure I sure I should even go. Why bother? It's not like I'm going to have a way to get to and from Great Northern on a daily basis (assuming they give me daily hours...). Side note: I finally have a new job. It's at Forever 21, which is some trendy clothing store. How fitting, right? Me, of all people, working somewhere that "lives and breathes fashion". I haven't even started and I already figure my days there are numbered, simply because I'm "not trendy enough" by default. If anything, the only highlight of the week is finding Roger Alan Wade. He did a few songs for the Jackass movies and they're funny as shit. Aside from that, this week's kind of sucked balls, to put it lightly, and it's only Tuesday...

"Terrible October", Mike Pinto

2011-07-15T20:51:00.000-04:00

Lonely have I been, for so long, so long
And though I try to stay strong
In times of pain and oppression
I've tried to count my blessings
But the deeper I get, the deeper I let
This shit get to me, the pain it gets the best of me
And the only way out, the only way out
Is when I close my eyes and shout

Lonely have I been, for so long, so long
Some things I'd done were so wrong
I gave up the love that meant the most to me
I'm guilty, the thought alone it kills me
Well I've heard you found the love you were looking for
That makes one of us, that makes one of us
And it seems you've lost the love that came before
That makes one of us, that makes one of us

Well happiness you left me long ago whoa
Try my best not to let it show whoa-e-whoa
Will someone tell me when my day will come
And when I'm low, will let me know I'm not the only one

Well each and every one of my dreams have turned to nightmares
In town, well even the hills ain't fair
And you wont catch me ever jumping out of windows
Shit can hit the fan, and that's just the way the wind blows
What more can I say, it's just another terrible day in October

This is about how I feel right now.

"Cleveland Stylee", Tropidelic

2011-06-30T21:17:00.000-04:00

So, I filled out an "application" at the BP up the street from me. And when I say "application", I mean I put my name, number, and the shift I want on a slip of paper that the manager MIGHT see. I guess my best bet is to call the shit out of them and prove I can pass a drug test. Simple enough. Aside from that, I'm pretty pissed. Up until Penguin and I went up to my old work, I had no cigarettes and was feinding Subway... The reason? Simple: I called my dad 61 times in 45 minutes and he didn't answer once. That pissed me off, right off the bat. The part that sent me from pissed to flaming pissed is the fact that he lied about me. He told her that I burned up all the gas in the car and got in at 3 in the morning. What the fuck, I don't even drive my fucking car anymore. If I need to get anywhere, the manfriend picks me up or I walk. That's just how it goes, considering it's pointless for me to drive anywhere. Why is it pointless? Simple: Sure, I get the car back, but there's never any gas in it and if I DO need the car, my dad will leave me with maybe $3.00 to put in it. Great. So I have enough gas to get to the gas station and back home. Thanks, dad. I'll remember that when I get a job and he needs the car insurance paid. I'll remember that when he needs a pack of cigarettes. I'll bear all that in mind when I get a job and can pay for the things I clearly can't count on him to help me out with. Thanks a bundle, you're great, you know? It's fantastic knowing my dad will go out of his way to take advantage of me whenever a situation presents itsself. Really, it's fantastic. I lost TWO cars now, money when I HAD my job..it's like..what the fuck? Oh well... If anything, I need a drink and a job...

"Cannibal Anthem", :wumpscut:

2011-06-23T20:04:00.000-04:00

My dad's deciding to ignore me today. Why? Simple: scrap. All this bullshit over what's, essentially, trash-picking. Sure, there's money to be made there, but with the car we have (aka, what USED to by my car), we just can't pull in enough money from it. All this started yesterday. My dad looked fucking terrible, to put it nicely, and I told him he had no business scrapping. We bitched, fought and argued about it for the better part of an hour until he finally gave me the keys to the car. The condition? Dan and I have to go scrapping. Okay, fine. It would've been better if he had just given the damn things to me right off the bat rather than arguing with me about it, but whatever. My dad's never wrong, you know? /sarcasm. Needless to say, Dan and I went out, but we didn't find any scrap. Everything was already taken, and it's not like we had room in the car for anything anyway. So, because I came home 'empty handed', so to speak, he's decided he's going to ignore me. That's fine. He's pretty much treated me like shit for the passed two days now and at this point, I'm starting to not care. I don't take kindly to getting screamed at at 6:30 in the morning, nor do I enjoy being told "fuck you, you're an asshole" in the morning. The only thing I did was NOT put the keys by the mail. Oh god, it's the end of the fucking world! I forgot to put the keys by the mail! Oh no! Jesus Christ... I know it's not him, it's the fact that he lost his doctor, but still. I'm no ones punching bag. The only reason I told him not to go yesterday is because he looked bad, but apparently, my opinion doesn't mean a damn anymore. I love my dad and I've told him time and time again, "the only thing going out when you look like this will accomplish is putting you in an early grave" and it's like he doesn't care anymore. Colleen and I both told him "don't do it, it's not worth it" and it simply fell on deaf ears. I admire his dedication and his will to pull us out of all this shit, but goddamn. If you're exhausted, look like hell and need some sleep, sit your silly ass down in front of the TV and pass the fuck out. Sure, I fucked up yesterday by not bringing anything home, but at the same time, there was nothing out to get. If anything, I guess I want him to just grow up a bit. He's still under the assumption he's fucking superman and can make the earth stop spinning if he so desired, but he's not. The disease is taking a toll on him and he's too goddamn stubborn to admit it. Before anyone says "you need to tell him that", I did. And, as usual, it fell on deaf ears.

"Liberty and Freedom", Rancid

2011-06-20T09:29:00.000-04:00

I'm about ready to give up on scrapping. My dad and I pretty much busted our asses yesterday going dumpster diving (among other things) and pulled out every bit of 300lbs or more. We took it in to the scrap yard today thinking we're going to get a good chunk of change out of it and what did we get? $24.00. I wish I could say I was kidding. They didn't give us the aluminum price for it, so we got fucked so hard it's a joke. Really, I'm about ready to throw in the towel with the whole thing. The only thing I've seen scrap do is waste what little gas we have, put more miles on my car, do more damage to the already bad shocks and struts and slowly work my dad into an early grave. Progress? What progress?

"Lay Me Down", Dirty Heads feat. Rome

2011-06-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

Things have been odd lately. A. I'm listening to reggae more than every anymore. B. I'm STILL out of a job. C. It kind of feels like everyone in my family BUT Colleen and my dad forgot about me and D. I really just want to get the hell out of Parma. Now more than ever. Shit's hit the fan here so hard it's a fucking joke. No one's happy, everyone's treating each other like shit and I've had enough, pretty much. It's probably just the reggae and summer talking, but I could do a nice little beach house, fire pit on the beach, the knowledge on how to play an acoustic guitar and just watch the sunset with my friends right now. Nice, cold glass of whiskey and Pepsi for everyone and not a fucking care in the world. Sounds nice, right? I could go for it. In all reality, I'm really sick of everything. I'm sick of seeing my dad kill himself six ways to Sunday just for $20 for gas and cigarettes, Colleen not knowing what to do to get away from everything, Penguin's mouth about anything Colleen, my dad or myself do, it's all bullshit. Anymore, I'm in a constant state of bad mood whenever I'm home... The funny part is everyone asks why. "Why are you in such a shitty mode anymore?" Hmm..couldn't be all the bullshit that's going on or anything... Nope. I'm just constantly PMS-ing. It's what I do, you know. Everyone needs help, but no one's willing to ask, and when they do, it's a huge fucking argument. Here's a suggestion; why doesn't everyone just shut the fuck up and help. Times suck, everyone knows that (unless you're filthy rich. In that case, go fuck yourself), so instead of starting arguments and nonsensical drama over stupid shit, shut the hell up and help. It's not hard. Then again, I suppose it IS hard when you've got your head shoved so far up your ass you can't smell your own shit... God, I want the hell out of here. I'm willing to work for it, it's just tough trying to get on your feet when it feels like the whole fucking world is against you...

"All I Really Want", Alanis Morissette

2011-06-06T17:37:00.000-04:00

I really need to get back on blogging... It's been quite some time... Anyway, I did a good bit of running around and, actually, got quite a bit done. It felt nice. Kind of like I had my car back and was able to get what I need to get done, you know? In my running around, I had to stop up at my old work and guess who do I see? One of my favourite usuals; Ohio Desk guy. Sure, he tried getting with me and he's probably old enough to be my dad, but still. As far as a conversationalist goes, he's an awesome usual. I don't know, it was just odd seeing him. Everyone looked either exhausted or pissed when I walked in. Not that I can really blame them, but still. It was odd...it kind of made me miss my job... Then again, what could I've gained by staying... Meh, it is what it is, right?

"Bad Luck", Mike Pinto

2011-05-17T12:45:00.000-04:00

This is the weirdest I've felt in a while. It feels like something's missing...

I found a new man-friend, for those who don't know. His name's Dan and, frankly, this is the happiest I've been in a long-ass time. He's so down to earth, chill, laid back, has kick ass taste in music and, for once in my life, I found someone who's willing to work for what he wants and actually CARES about me. Not saying the few friends I have left don't care, but it's different, you know? I don't know if it's just the Full Throttle kicking in (for the first time in a while) or the fact that I just lost one of my closest friends, but I feel like I'm shaking and..I don't know, something just doesn't feel right. I don't know..I guess I'm just done with people's bullshit. Sure, dick move on my part-big time-but I'm fucking happy. Lately, it feels like I've been getting nothing but shit for doing what's right for ME and making an effort to be happy, and at this point, I don't care. In a nutshell, I'm done with bullshit. If people are going to run their mouth about me to everyone BUT me, that's fine. I guess I didn't need you anyway, you know? Good times and great memories mean jack shit when there are strings attached, if that makes any sense. I don't know.. It feels like I'm back at square one again. If I am, hey, that just gives me a chance to build something bigger and better out of my life. Sure, there's a chance I'll get hurt, or it's a change for the worse, but only time will tell. Frankly, I'm hoping for best, but I guess we'll have to see where life takes me now.

"...Walk away, walk away. I'll be a parade and I'll be determined that no one shall dissuade on my way, I'll take my sweet time and burn all the bridges I'm leaving behind."

- Bad Religion, "Walk Away"

"Talk To The Dead", The Other

2011-05-09T11:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I dropped BP like a bad habit. I'm officially jobless. Stupid move? Maybe, but if there's any constant (other than Sharpie) in my life, it's change. Now, whether it's good or bad, I don't know. Hopefully something will come around though. When it came down to it, after Saturday (which I'll get into part 2 of that later), I was ready to hang up my uniform and walk half way through my shift. Our manager knows how nasty it gets on Saturdays, yet she still schedules one person for several hours at a time. In case you didn't know, Saturdays at a gas station (my former one, at least) work like a normal day. Same rushes, same time, same headaches and no one to call for help. When you're working the main register, it's even more of a nightmare because the register kind of feels like a ball and chain; if you go so far away from it, 15 people will walk through the door and give you dirty looks for trying to do your job. I didn't mind the work load, the people, the customers (for the most part). It's the scheduling and the fact that half of the store doesn't function properly... When we get one thing fixed, 3 more break, you know? God only knows when the last time the car wash worked properly... Really, it's just the little details that irritated me. However, there were so many little details, they turned into big details and the big details went from moderately annoying to tear-your-hair-out-by-the-end-of-your-shift details. I almost feel like a dick for just up and quitting, but at the same time, it's not going to sit on my conscious too much. The job was shit, I was tired of coming home in a terrible mood, hurting all time time and wondering either "what's going to break next?" or "when's Rod Sterling going to walk out of the back?". The place was like the Twilight Zone...

Anyway, aside from all that, part 2 of Saturday was pretty fucking amazing. Why? Simple; Sharpie and I went to see Bad Religion. My fucking IDOLS. This band...holy shit. Not only were they incredible live, they're funny, they know how to get a crowd moving (I'd hope they'd be able to do that after 30 years of playing) and just...it was amazing. That, and we were able to inch our way to the FRONT FUCKING ROW. FUCK YEAH. We took a fuck load of pictures, we were actually able to SEE the band, not the back of someone's head/shirt the whole time, got merch (we both got the same shirt) and had an excellent time. Did it make up for part 1 of Saturday? I think so.

"Placebo", Kidneythieves

2011-04-25T09:57:00.001-04:00

God I've started to forget about my blog... Anyway, so work's falling apart at the seams, pretty much. We've been sattled with a sissy store manager, a lazy assistant manager and a staff who's over worked and underpaid... As it turns out, my assumptions were right; our assistant manager DIDN'T train Mel, our newest addition, at all just about. 6 phone calls and staying at the store 'till 1 in the morning later, I was flaming pissed. When Mel told me our A.M. sat in the back office and played solitaire most of the night, as opposed to actually doing the job he's PAID to do, I was tempted to call up our manager and bitch him out for the next two hours. The sad part is, the only thing that would've happened had I done that is A. I'd be out of a job and B. nothing would be done about our assistant manager. He'd still be there and I'd be the one scrambling around for a job. Bullshit? More than likely, but I guess this is what the working world is, right? Well, if anything, I know I'd be one of maybe 3 people with gaul enough to stand up and say something, which is a little more comforting, I guess. Aside from stupid work politics, my dad's basically moved in with us. Translation: I never get my room to myself for more than a few hours. I understand times are hard now and everyone (who doesn't bring in $50,000 a year) is downsizing and what have you, but this is beyond the point of ridiculous. I'll admit, I can be pretty neurotic from time to time; things have to be in a certain place, I HAVE to do certain things in the morning in a certain way or it'll fuck the day up and so on. My dad, on the other hand, everything's a matter of how he feels. I can understand that too. I'm very much the kind of person who goes based on how I feel. But when it comes to making me late for the classes I DIDN'T pay for and was bitched out about all summer for not taking, that's where I tend to have an issue. This morning, for instance, it's 9:44 AM, currently. I'd gotten to the school at about 7:00 this morning. I get a phone call from my dad at about 7:30 saying he'll be ready at 8:00 and he wondered where I was, why I wasn't home etc. What the fuck. I got him up at 6, told him to start getting ready and what have you so we could go about our usual monday procedure (get up, go to the scrap yard, be late to my first class. It's so routine, my teacher doesn't even care at this point). So, needless to say, I had to book it back to the house, waste more gas that I DON'T have the money to replace, get him to work and then bolt back to Parma, just to make it stupidly late. So late that I decided to not go. At this point, I don't see a purpose in coming back next semester. I don't have a car to myself, I don't have the money to pay for the fucking classes anyway and there's no sense in going if I'm never going to be here, you know? It's stupid and a waste of money I clearly don't have. And if all that isn't enough, for the past month or so, I've been scraping by and living like I'm completely broke because my dad needs money for the car insurance, bills, gas, cigarettes, food, medication, this, that and the other. Who's footing the bill for all of it? Me. And he has the fucking gaul to bitch me out, call me a liar and so on when I tell him I've got nothing else to give him. Excuse me, I've pretty much just surrendered my entire fucking paycheck (and all it's worth) to pay for you to continue living the way you do, while I get to scrape by, never have enough money to get the things I need (not want, need), and end up relying on either Sharpie or Penguin to toss a few dollars my way just to get to school (late) or work. That's the biggest crock of shit I've been dealt yet. If you couldn't tell, I'm pretty pissed. Aside from all of that, I'm practically terrified to go to work simply because I'm tired of getting hit on by random customers, the politics from the place are driving me up a wall, I wake up feeling like I got hit by a fucking freight train every day and, yet, none of it's enough. I'm practically on the verge of shutting down completely, in a nut shell. It's all just too much to take and, frankly, I have a good mind to steal the car one night and drive the fucking thing off a bridge. I mean, christ, if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like, I don't want to live... If you couldn't tell, I've been horribly depressed for quite some time. Honestly, the only time I get to relax is when I'm curled up in my chair re-watching episodes of Dexter. I never sleep properly anymore and it just feels like I'm going to break... Jesus fuck...how did things get so bad? I know the economy took a shit on everyone (who's not filthy fucking rich) and, naturally, everything's going down hill from there, but I guess I never imagined the magnitude of it all. One of the few things I didn't see coming, I guess.

"Guilty", The Rasmus

2011-04-10T19:38:00.000-04:00

There's a name that hasn't popped up here in ages, ha ha. Anyway, my house is kind of like a mad house tonight. Colleen is staying over and I'm pretty sure my dad is too. It's ridiculous. There's so much going on at once and it's kind of blowing my mind a little bit. In all reality, it's pretty painful to watch... Colleen's "marriage" is falling to bits, my dad's health is on a pretty rapid decline, penguin hates everything and everyone anymore, I'm running myself into the ground with school and work and losing contact with Sharpie and Mel (I pretty much gave up on everyone else). It kind of feels like life is going a mile a minute and I can't really keep up. I'm trying to stay relaxed and just keep out of the way (surprise, surprise) but it's really bothering me. I mean..shit, there's more people than usual at home and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Hopefully everything will settle down and things will be cool.

"Take What You Take", Lily Allen

2011-03-26T09:41:00.000-04:00

I recently became facebook friends with someone I knew way back in high school... Found out she became a stripper (exotic dancer, as she put it) at the Hustler Club in the flats (presumably). To be honest, not sure how if feel about that... Sure, I pretty much despised just about everyone I went to school with, but something about seeing that just doesn't sit well with me.. If she's happy, go for it, I guess, but still. That, and she had a kid sometime back (surprise, surprise...). My thoughts are something to the effect of, "do you really want Hustler and everything around it that close to your kid?". Not that I have any room to say anything on parenting, seeing as I don't have a kid, but I wouldn't want my kid to be able to say "yeah, my mom's a stripper" and so on. Frankly, I'd want them to just acknowledge the fact that porn and what have you is there and that'd be the end of it, if that makes any sense. I don't know..something about seeing a girl I went to school with as a stripper just kind of bothers me...

"Diamond in The Rough", Social Distortion

2011-03-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

I lost my car again... No surprise there, right? Rockafeller Skank's stabilizer bar was hanging maybe half an inch off the ground, the bearings aren't attached to anything, the shocks and struts are gone just about and what have you... I have a sneaking suspicion she's about to throw in the towel... Speaking of throwing in the towel, I'm not as happy as I used to be about my job. I mean, sure, it's bullshit work. It's a gas station, could I expect anything more? But I'm just getting tired of just about everything to it. Me, and everyone I work with, are overworked, underpaid and the charm is wearing off. Don't get me wrong, I love my usuals in the morning, but it's the afternoons that kill me. I'm tired, hungry (more than likely), want a cigarette and want to leave, you know? I used to be really excited about my job. I liked coming in to work at 5:30 in the morning and I could make it through the day with a pretty decent smile on my face. Now, by 12:30, I'm ready to punch people. Then again, with everything that's gone on lately, it's almost understandable... And if that's not enough, I just found out today that my mom had pre-cancerous polyps in her colon (too much info? Probably.). Awesome, right? If anything, this makes me want to vanish that much more... My dad's gone off his rocker just about, my mom may have colon cancer, my job kind of blows and I'm broke as shit... Sure, it could be a lot worse. I couldn't have a car at all, my mom could ACTUALLY have cancer, I could get fired/not have a job at all, not be in school, not know my dad at all and so on... It could be a lot worse, I realize. It just sucks currently, you know? Hopefully shit will get better... Cinema Wasteland's next weekend and I'll get to meet the cast of Cannibal Holocaust AND Evil Dead. AND, even better, I'll actually have money to spend there. So, when I look at it that way, it's not so bad. I still have something to look forward to, right?

"Motor City is Burning", MC5

2011-03-15T17:56:00.003-04:00

I think I may have lost my inspiration permanently... I haven't picked up a pencil and drawn anything in just about forever, and whenever I do, I feel like a complete failure... Nothing's ever good anymore (not like my "art" was anything spectacular to begin with...) and...it just blows, to put it nicely. Who knows..it's probably just the result of a shitty day. I dealt with assholes left and right today, one of which called me a retard which felt wonderful, you know... Who knows... Hopefully something will come along and I can get back into the swing of things...

"Kerosene", Bad Religion

2011-03-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

"Kerosene keeps me warm. I'm alone to watch it burn, kerosene..."

Honestly, I don't think I say it enough to the people I probably should, but I pretty much love all of my friends. When I say pretty much, I mean I'd fucking take a bullet for all of you. I don't say it enough and, lately, I haven't been showing like I probably should and I most definitely feel like an asshole for it. That, and I'm not about to give up on anyone, for the record. I don't abandon people. I never have, and I don't plan to anytime soon. So, again, I don't say it enough, but I pretty much adore everyone whose stuck by me, gotten me through some pretty tough shit, and have decided to not up and leave. Thank you, guys. You mean the world to me :D

"The Choke", Skinny Puppy

2011-03-08T20:24:00.000-05:00

Kind of a lot's been going on lately, as far as non-work related shit goes. With the horror community, there's a shitload of talk about this movie called A Serbian Film. I, myself, haven't seen it (simply due to the lack of showings anywhere near Cleveland), but there's a debate on Bloody-Disgusting about whether or not Spanish police were right for arresting the director for supposedly "distributing child porn". The "child porn" in question: A Serbian Film. Supposedly, there's a scene where an old man fucks an infant, but where the line between blatant child porn and stereotypical shock-cinema is blurred is the fact that you don't see anything. You don't see the guy actually FUCKING the infant, but (I'm assuming) it's implied. Where do I stand on it? To be frank, I don't really know. I haven't seen the movie so I can't get a cut-and-dry opinion on it, however, my thoughts on the whole debate goes as follows: "Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell somewhere for having been so stupid!" - Nny. Whether my thoughts are right, wrong or irrelevant. Like Nny (Jhonen) said, entertainment is just that. Whether it sits well with you or not is all on you. Does the idea of a movie implying a guy fucking an infant bother me? Yes, I'm not going to lie, but I'm also not going to get bent out of shape and throw a conniption over it. For the record, I'm fairly certain child porn isn't the overall theme of the movie, just a major part that shocked, appalled and irritated a shitload of people. However, whether it is or isn't is a tough call. It depends on how you look at it. Frankly, it's not high on my list of "must see/must get" movies, but I'm not going to flip out over it.

"UFO's, Big Rigs and BBQ", Mojo Nixon

2011-03-03T15:25:00.000-05:00

I've really been neglecting this thing lately... Must pick back up on it. Anyway, I've been moved up to 40 hours a week at work, which is pretty sweet. School's going well and things have been pretty decent as of late (which is pretty odd, considering everything). However, there's this new bill that most of Ohio's republicans are trying to get passed. To my understanding, it's trying to severely limit union workers ability to go on strike and what have you, and from the looks of it, it's gathering a little speed. Welcome to 1894, right? Speaking of what have you, life in Ohio, anymore, seems like a healthy mix of 1984 and the comic Nil... Everything's going to shit all over the state, no one's doing anything to stop it and from what I can tell, it's only going to get worse... Thinking about all that as I'm driving to work at 5:30 in the morning, it just makes the idea of moving somewhere else seem like that almost NEEDS to happen. I don't know... Everything in my microcosm is okay for the most part, it's just everything else that's fucked. Isn't that how it always goes though? On a side note, I got to share a little of my Cinema Wasteland philosophy with a Sears truck driver today: The night before I'd met him, I had a hellacious nightmare that stuck with me at work. He said I looked tired and I told him I had a nightmare, so ever since, he's asked if I've had anymore. He brought it up today and asked if anything sparks 'em. I told him I get them at random and what have you and he mentioned horror movies; my forte. I told him that I adore my horror flicks and, truthfully, the real monsters are in the real world. I think it may have stuck with him :D. When you think about it, it's true. Monsters, ghouls and everything in between aren't limited to horror movies and horror movie conventions. Really, they exist more in reality.

"Operation Iraqi Liberation", Anti-Flag

2011-02-12T15:08:00.000-05:00

Bullets can't silence ideas.

"Let The Right One In", Aiden

2011-02-10T18:17:00.002-05:00

It's been quite a day... I had to train our new GM on register, had assholes left and right at work and now my dad and I got into an argument about (drum roll, please) my fucking car. The sad thing is that I told him before he got the car "dad, it's an oddball car that no one's ever heard of. Finding parts for it is going to be a pain in the ass, I'd think twice" but I'll be damned if he ever admits I'm right... Don't take it the wrong way, I'm not bitching about having a car, believe me. In fact, I'm actually very grateful to have a car; whether you've heard of it or not. It's just the flat tire I got, courtesy of Brookpark road, is making owning a Daewoo a pain in the ass. The exhaust is fucked, the struts and shocks are just about gone (thanks, Cleveland, for your amazing roads that are COMPLETELY POT HOLE FREE. /sarcasm) and finding a tire/rim for it is 100x harder than it should be... Quick backstory: Mel and I were on our way to Strongsville to get her little cousin. We hit a pot hole (which was more like a fucking crater) and hit it hard enough to crack the rim of the car. So, one flat tire later, I'm scrambling all over Northeast Ohio (and the internet, for that matter) trying to find the rim/tire. Awesome, right? The only part that truly bothered me: in the middle of our argument, my dad decides to make a stupid comment about me going to school. It was something to the effect of "It was your decision to go back to school and take this, that and the other..". Really? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it was him who spent a good majority of the summer jumping down my throat about going back to school. Fine. I'm there, what more do you want? Now that I'm there, he's complaining about it. Cool shit. You would think he'd be proud at the fact that his daughter decided to put education ABOVE getting knocked up by some asshole and living the rest of her life on hopes, dreams and welfare WITH an ugly fucking kid attached to her hip. You know, like 90% of my graduating class. I love the idiosyncrasies of my family from time to time...

"So Called Chaos", Alanis Morissette

2011-02-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

"The outrage of a PG-13 rating has nothing to do with the contents of the film. It has to do with allowing kids into the film when people actually want to see the film and not listen to some botched abortions cracking jokes throughout the film and not shutting the fuck up. Granted, for the most part, an R rating would hardly deter them from getting someone of age to get them into the theater. But just knowing that the MPAA would allow it to happen is sickening."

I love comments like these.

"The Poltergeist", King Diamond

2011-02-09T16:56:00.000-05:00

Today's been interesting, to say the least. I had my first bit of actual car trouble in the sense that a pot hole took out my front passenger tire. Needless to say, Mel and I were carted all over creation trying to find a tire/rim for a Daewoo. Given 90% of the populous has never heard of a Daewoo, we had a hard time trying to find what we needed. Naturally, that kind of put me in a shitty mood... However, my wallet and flats came in today which basically made up for it. As far as work goes, we have ANOTHER new manager because our old one is getting promoted. How it happened is beyond me, but we have a new one now who is a COMPLETE SIMPLETON, to put it nicely... He didn't know how to print out a lotto report... That's grossly disappointing. Everything's going to shit there, just about, and it's all pretty say to say the least... (sorry about the shit posts as of late. I've been so run down from work and school A. I haven't had the time and B. I'm exhausted 90% of the time)

"The Soapmakers", Clutch

2011-02-05T18:06:00.000-05:00

I've really been neglecting my blog as of lately... It's definitely not by choice though. Anyway, work and school have been kicking my ass lately. Monday: class then work 'till 9. Tuesday: work at 6, leave at 1. Wednesday: class and no work. Thursday: work from 6 'till 2. Friday: same. Anymore, all I kind of want to do is come home and sleep... That, and I've been depressed the whole time pretty much. I don't know what it is, but I'm just not happy anymore. I'm not trying to sound like a whiner (I really am grateful to be back in school and to have a job), it's just hard to look at things with a positive outlook currently... It feels like everything's going to shit around me, but given the times, it's probably not a whole lot different for anyone else. I'll admit I'm an impulsive buyer when I get like this. Point being I spent over 1/4 of my paycheck on make up yesterday... Not sure how I really feel about that... If anything, I really need to get my spending in check. Blah.. I don't know anymore. It kind of feels like everything's spinning out of control.. I remember several months back I wrote about how I kind of like having my life seem like an organized disaster, simply because even if it was six different kinds of everywhere, everything had it's place. Now, not so much. Hopefully things will sort themselves out and it will go back to normal (or at least my patented organized mess) in the near future. I'm working, I'm in school, and I (almost) have my shit together so it should start looking up soon (maybe).

"Roman's Revenge", Nicki Minaj

2011-01-26T12:58:00.002-05:00

"Ain't hot enough to set fire to dry grass
And 'bout as violent as hair on eyelids (Eyelash!)
Go take a flyin' leap of faith off a fuckin' balcony
'Fore I shove a falcon wing up your fly ass..."

"Eating Me Alive", Alkaline Trio

2011-01-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

I'm about a half step away from looking for another job. Our manager accused me of stealing cigarettes today and wrote me up for it... Not only that, but she searched my bag AND my car (and just about threw up when she saw my back seat. It was hysterical). Now, if cigarettes actually ARE missing, I can understand the concern, but the problem is more than likely the fact that NO ONES counts match up perfectly. It's impossible. And even if someone's stealing them, all it would take is figuring out which ones are always missing. It's a simple question of who smokes what. Marlboro Red 72's? That wires it down to two people. Camel Filters OR Wides? That's all me. Marlboro 27's or Reds? That's mainly Sharpie's department. Newports? There's only one person (to my knowledge) who smokes them and at that point, I'd be more interested in HOW she did it, as opposed to why and so on. If anything, I'm more insulted that our manager would think I'm stupid enough to steal from my work... Christ, I don't necessarily love my job, but I like it enough to not do something stupid to jeopardize it. It's been a weird day...

On a more positive note, yesterday was my first day back as a legit college student and honestly, I loved every second of it. Sure, I'm only taking belly one and two, but I missed the atmosphere, having to park in bum fuck Egypt (however, I'm not a fan of walking through freezing cold wind...), seeing so many people just shifting from class to class and most of all, learning. True, you learn something new every day (I learned my manager is an asshole today. See?) but I missed learning in a concentrated area. That, and I'm looking forward to philosophy (again). Next semester I plan on taking more than just belly one and two (money permitting) and FINALLY getting my ass together so I can at least do something with myself (other than work at a BP from now until doomsday).

"Crusification", Aiden

2011-01-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

So Sharpie and I had a bit of a zodiac scare today. Apparently, some asshole somewhere in the US decided to just tack on a thirteenth sign to the zodiac and it effects everyone born after November of 2009. For a second there, we thought it effected us. It doesn't, so cheers to that.

Anyway, so I've actually started drawing again. Seriously this time. The kicker: I'm not doing it for anyone but myself this time. A little selfish? Perhaps, but if it's what gets my ass back into gear and hones my skill a little, that's fine with me. After the whole thing with Havoc (which felt like a point blank shotgun blast to the ego, mind you), I was ready to throw in the towel with art completely. I haven't touched my camera in months, I haven't SERIOUSLY drawn anything since February last year and I've basically been wallowing in self pity over art ever since. Art is something I love and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pull myself off of it. It's almost like a drug addiction, in a weird sort of way. No matter how hard I try, I can't come off of it. It's here, and it's here to stay. I'm an artist and that's all there is to it. Speaking of art (and Havoc, for that matter), she still has my portrait of wiL Francis of Aiden and Elsa Lanchester... I want 'em back. But, neither here nor there, I'm getting back into the swing of things, which is nice to be honest. I missed being able to just chill the fuck out, pick up a pencil and draw whatever comes to mind. It's good to be back.

"Somewhere in The Between", Streetlight Manifesto

2011-01-06T19:55:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a new year and I've been severely neglecting my blog. Sorry 'bout that :\

Having been bogged down with work and trying to save money (and failing at it) and dealing with all the insanity of A. the holidays and B. my family, it's just...crazy, to say the least. As far as christmas went, it was kind of a joke, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the gifts and shit, believe me, it was just a bit of a mad house with everyone congregating in my room. With all that, it wouldn't have mattered to me if BP had me working from 6 AM through 6 PM... Oh well. New Years was dull, to be blunt. I stayed home and attempted to sleep; that's it. My life is so eventful... However, on the plus side, Sharpie and I got tickets to see Streetlight Manifesto in February, which is six different kinds of amazing! That, and I'm going back to school (assuming I haven't made mention of that earlier)! Also amazing! Aside from work and shit, I haven't been doing a whole lot with myself lately. I mean...I really don't go out anymore. Generally speaking, I stay home, watch movies, try to sleep, practically drown myself in Full Throttle, work and...that's about it. Honestly, the only time I willingly leave the house is to chill with Mel, go to work or go with my dad on Saturdays. That's it. Speaking of work, on a side note, I've officially been shit canned from Bath and Body Works, which is perfectly fine with me. After a while, I kind of started to hate that place. The stock work was crap and they never scheduled me anyway, so it's not that big of a loss. Anyway, getting back to it, yeah, I basically don't leave my house anymore, which is fine with me, I suppose. Also, something that really made my day better: I watched a video on Youtube that went over this homeless guy who had an awesome announcer voice. What ended up happening is some guy filmed the homeless guy speaking and uploaded it to Youtube. The video got INSANE views in two days and the homeless guy now has a job announcing for the Cleveland Cavs. Sweet, right? Stories like that kind of make me (almost) proud to say I'm from Cleveland (well, not really, but I've lived here long enough to say I'm from Cleveland. However, Lorain ftw always). Like, maybe this place isn't all doom and gloom, ya know? I dunno, it just made me feel really good inside seeing something like that happen to someone.

"Awake and Alive", Skillet

2010-12-20T20:54:00.000-05:00

How much worse can this year get? Today marks the second accident my dad got in to in maybe a month and a half and, to be honest, I have no idea what we're going to do about it... Our insurance rates are probably going to go through the fucking roof and, you know, we've got so much money to pay for it... Needless to say, I've been bawling my eyes out over it for the passed hour and a half... "How are we going to pay for this?", "our rates are going to skyrocket" and what have you. It also doesn't help that my dad started talking about suicide... "I know why grandpa left me the gun... It's to off myself, clearly." is what he said. That's something I'd say, not him. That bothered me more than the accident. To be frank, I don't know what I'd do with myself if I lost my dad. If anything, I'd probably off myself. As far as family goes, he's the only person I've got and at this point, everyone else I have the misfortune to share a bloodline with can go fuck themselves anyway they see fit. Phil's done nothing but fuck us every chance he gets, Penguin's been right behind him the whole time, The Prick is just The Prick and Colleen... Well, she really doesn't do anything, so she's kind of exempt from all that. She wasn't apart of it so... In a nutshell, my family is fucked... Mind you, that's saying nothing about yesterday. Yesterday would've been mine and Daves 4 year anniversary. As much as I don't want to say this, I miss him. And when I say I miss him, I mean I miss the idea of him. Before all the shit started hitting the fan; when he was a loving boyfriend who was sincere and legitimately wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I worked yesterday at Bath and Body Works and the entire time, I kept checking the door, wanting and hoping to see him walk through and say something like "hey babe, how's work goin'? I'm proud that you finally found a job and your life isn't in complete shambles anymore so we can spend it together" like nothing ever happened to us. No cheating, no bullshit, none. I miss it... I guess what it comes down to is I want everything to go back to the way it was. When I had a steady relationship, was at Tri-C, had Rockafeller Skank, a good number of friends to chill with and everything seemed like it was in its proper place. I don't know if I've said this before (I probably have), but you know how I haven't slept right in a good while? I'm almost starting to think it's because I made a terrible mistake way back in June. Perhaps the reason I don't sleep right anymore is because subconsciously I know I fucked up. Majorly. Honestly, I don't know anymore... At this point, I couldn't tell you if I was coming or going. Everything's gotten so fucked up this year it's a joke... It feels like I've lost it all. I lost my school, boyfriend, car, a handful of friends and god knows what else... Honestly, I don't know...

"All There Is", Bad Religion

2010-12-12T14:40:00.001-05:00

"This song goes out
to all the hopeless sinners,
with grave allegiances,
so meaningless and vain,

The walking wounded in a pagent of contenders
Who balance on a rail of pain for just a pail of rain

And everything is barely mist, blood relations and bricks
my expression, my confession, add it up, extract a lesson, more than this,
once again, like a bullet as a friend, tell me: can that be all there is?

In my rectory of doubt, I kneel to pray like one devout,
As time the great gray dreamless sleep of a useless modern god
erodes away each storied day as wretched Adams with hell to pay
Content upon a rail of pain for just a little rain.

And everything is dearly missed, blood relations and bricks
my expression, my confession, add it up, extract a lesson, more than this,
once again, like a bullet as a friend, tell me: can that be all there is?

There's an endless disposition,
and it doesn't mean a goddamn thing
there's space for a paper-airplane race in the eye of a hurricane.

And if pigs could fly, then surely so could I,
but this pedestrian knows better than to even try,
and my divinity is caught between the colors of a butterfly.

And everything is dearly missed, blood relations and bricks
my expression, my confession, add it up, extract duress and more than this,
once again, like a bullet as a friend, tell me: can that be all there is?
All there is?"

"Incomplete", Bad Religion

2010-12-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

Guess who's a college student for the second time around? If you guessed me, you're right. I finally got around to getting up to the school and kind of debating my case and, as a result, I'll be paying for the next few semesters out of pocket. Regardless of whether I'm paying for it out of pocket, I'll still be in school, which is considerably better than sitting around at home all day wondering what I'm doing with my life (which is what I've been doing now for about a year... Frankly, the charm wore off). Sure, it's only Belly 1 and 2 again, but still, it's better than nothing. On a side note, while I was running around the school like insanity today, I saw Droes. I guess he and some of the junior kids from RTV were at Tri-C getting a sneak peek at the broadcasting program they have here, which is kind of cool. I'm not gonna lie, seeing him again kind of made me feel like an asshole for skipping as much as I did, not putting the full effort in to most of the projects and just a bunch of other shit that went on that year, but hey, that was then and this is now. That's not me now, so piss on it, right? But yeah, I'm pretty excited to be back in school. Sure, there's no homework to speak of, but that's to come. I figured I'd do two classes a semester so I won't overload myself (or dig myself in to an ungodly amount of debt) and, eventually, I'll be able to qualify for financial aid again. Sure, this puts a bit of a damper on outside shit I want to do (tattoos, retail therapy from time to time and so on), but school is more important, right? So, overall, it's been a pretty sweet day. Fuck yeah getting my life back together!

"Indestructible", Rancid

2010-12-06T16:20:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like I'm going to be out on my ass for another semester of school. Awesome, right? As it turns out, the only way I'll be able to get back in is to pay for a semester-which has to be roughly 10 credit hours-completely out of pocket. I don't have the money for that... So, as far as further education goes, I'm a world of shit... As much as I'd like to be back in school and getting this shit out of the way, I'm also in no hurry in a way. I mean, it's not like high school where everyone looks at you funny if you're not in the same grade as everyone else or what have you. I wanna take my time, but I'd like to get it started is about where I'm at. I'm looking at all these different schools and all of them sound appealing, to be honest, but I can't get in (which is rather deterring, to be frank). I have a rough idea of what I want, but at the same time, I don't. Photography and Philosophy are my two main things, but for the moment, they're being put on hold-which annoys the piss out of me... Hopefully something will come around...

"Old Friend", Rancid

2010-11-25T13:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm pretty sure I dug my grave at BP... Tuesday was a pretty terrible day (big surprise) and I, in my own fashion, kind of told Eric off. I was in the process of closing my register down when he said something to the effect of the safe being short $90 something and, needless to say, I got kind of bent out of shape. I got $50 from him in the safe in his office and Subway vended the "mystery" $30, so it wasn't short. But, since everyone did a FANTASTIC job of not explaining what to do when Subway vends from the safe, yeah... So, in the midst of all that, Eric said something like "working main is a big job" and I (like an idiot) responded with "In that case, why do you keep scheduling me for it?". Yeah...open mouth, insert foot. So, after that, he just gave me this look that said, "did you really just say that?" and went back to his office and didn't say a word. All that being said, I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to be turning in my uniform Monday... Awesome... Oh well, you live and you learn, right? For the sake of being fair, I should probably learn to watch my mouth and not snap at my manager even when I'm having a bad day and Eric should've probably taken more time to completely idiot proof how to run main. Both parties are at fault to some degree, so there's not a whole lot I can do. Shit happens, you live and you learn. Speaking of all that, I just got done looking at this college somewhere in southern Ohio called Antioch College. Half of me wants to go down there, take a look around and see what it's all about more in depth and the other half thinks it'd be in vain. I mean, looking at their application process kind of spooked me into not wanting to apply and made me think I'm too stupid to get in, yet most of the stuff they offer is right up my alley. In a weird way, it's kind of like a hands on college. But, the application part of their site said they're looking for people with a STRONG academic background. ...Mine isn't very strong, to put it nicely. As far as school goes, I haven't got a whole lot going for me. I'm basically on last stand mode with it. What I learn sinks in, I just can't transfer it on to a test or paper without it being scatter brained and, consequently, wrong (if that makes any sense). For a while now, I've kind of had this feeling like I'm going to be one of the ones who's not going to make it in life, ya know? Like everything I've hoped and dreamed for, everything I want to do in my life is going to splinter and fail and I'm just not going to make it. To be honest, I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough, I can't handle the work load and what have you, yet at the same time, I haven't done a whole lot to prove it wrong. Believe me, I want to, but most (if not all) of my efforts have failed miserably. With all that sitting on your mind, it kind of makes it hard to climb out of that "you're a retard who's going to fail horribly at life" hole. I'm not even twenty years old and I feel like I'm on last stand mode; like everything I do at this point is a last ditch effort (which, nine times out of ten will blow up in my face). I can't accept just getting a meaningless job and slaving away for minimum wage, that's not me. I want to do something more with my life. I want to do it right, but it's hard to do anything with yourself when you fall face first into a brick wall that's reenforced with concrete and steel anytime you try something. Something's gotta give... Anymore, it feels like the only things I've got to hang on to are Sharpie and Bad Religion...

"Swimmers Can Drown", I:Scintilla

2010-11-22T16:48:00.000-05:00

So, a few days ago, I ordered my copy of Anarchy Evolution by Greg Graffin and it finally came today. To be frank, I haven't fangasmed this hard since seeing The Used play live. What makes it cool is it's book number 2 to my growing Greg Graffin collection, but what makes it better is that it's signed by him!

I haven't been this excited in a while and, to be honest, it's a good way to end a relatively shitty day. As far as work goes, I still have yet to come home and be able to think "I did well today. Go me"... But, neither here nor there, I'm so excited over this book. I've already gotten half way through the first chapter and I can already tell it's going to be one I won't want to put down.

"The Undertaker (Renholdër Mix)", Puscifer

2010-11-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

So, this second job at BP is beating me into the floor, pretty much. It's nice having a job that actually gives me hours, but this waking up at 5 - 6 in the morning shit is for the birds... Other than that, it's not bad at all. I'm not sure if I made mention of this in the last post, but my first day on my first smoke break, one of the subway girls came out with me. Nothing special, right? Well, what she said really bothered me. She asked me if I was coming back tomorrow with the most pitiful look I've seen in a while. That stuck with me. The fact that someone actually had to ask that bothered me. I mean, I realize BP is quite horrendously understaffed, but it's so bad someone actually asked if someone new was coming back? That's depressing... Needless to say, that was incentive to stay. I'm not the type to jump ship as soon as things get rough. No, math isn't my strong point, but you would figure taking a job that shoves it in my face for 5+ hours a day would get me a little better at it. So, hopefully it works. Speaking of jobs and what have you, my mom called me out of the blue today to tell me of this full time job she found on WMMS. They had an add for it, she heard it and decided to give me a call, which to me, is kind of...odd, to put it nicely. I've got two jobs as it is, what do I need another one for? And it's in Geauga... Well, A. I don't know how to get out there and B. I'd spend my entire paycheck just getting to and from work. So, obviously, it's a "do not want" kind of thing. That, and the whole loyalty aspect. When I said BP was horrendously understaffed, I wasn't kidding. There's maybe twelve people working there* (*I don't know this for a fact, so it's a rough guess). Not to mention, before Eric hired me, they had 4 people walk out their first day. Really, they can't afford to have me just walk out. Sure, it'd probably be a safer job (and when I say probably, I mean it would most assuredly be safer) and I'd actually have a set schedule, but they need me at BP. Sure, it's a "grin and bear it 'till you graduate college" kind of job, but still. They need the help and, frankly, I'm sure Eric didn't hire me just to have me quit. Yay loyalty!

"Talk To The Dead", The Other

2010-11-10T13:56:00.001-05:00

Well, I've got two jobs now. Awesome, right? In all reality, it kind of is, given most people anymore would kill for A job. Remember when I applied at BP? Yeah, it's with them. I worked my first shift yesterday..all 10 hours of it and, here's the funny part, in the whole two days I'll work this week, I will have made more money at BP than at Bath and Body Works (and mind you, I've been there for about a month now. Sad, isn't it?).

(pics, so it did happen. Yes, that is my real face. It's a skin disorder ¬¬)

Other than the second job get, shit's been rather crazy lately. I'm hoping to reapply for school later today, I was dumped (by Evan. #feelsbadman), was hit on by Morabith (again) while waiting for C.o.D: Black Ops, and half of the time I've been kind of a bitch... Not to mention, I'm getting no hours at B&BW and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Pretty much, this year has knocked me back down to square one. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going, so on and so forth. Things have been so ridiculous lately...

"Love Song", Sara Bareilles

2010-10-25T12:55:00.000-04:00

Nostalgia, nostalgia, nostalgia! That's basically what today's been after my whole Wind Waker unplugged swing. Zelda reminded me of my DS, which reminded me of Pokèmon Soul Silver (Fucking mystery gift Mew...) and made me want to find my old plushies. So, off to the attic I went and what I found kind of made me shit a brick, to be honest.

These are a few of the ones I planned on keeping.

What up, anime nerd? Along with Hamtaro and Sailor Moon, I had a slight obsession with Pokèmon and, consequently, got a few of the other plushies; two of them being Raichu and Eevee (see what I did there, with the song title? I'm so clever). Initially, they were the two I was looking for, but found these instead.

I haven't seen my unicorn in AGES. I remember, way back when my room was on the ground floor, I had him poking is head out from the mountain of stuffed animals that lived on the top shelf of my old book cases.

He's also a music box.

This is the first one I found. My Little Pony? You bet your sweet ass.

This guy, Patch, was probably one of the first toys I ever got. There's another one, Rolly, that went with him and those two were pretty much the epitome of my childhood. They went EVERYWHERE with me, so much so that they probably have more milage on them than Rockafeller Skank, which is pretty ridiculous.

So, basically, I found several boxes of childhood and took a serious trip down memory lane today, which is okay by me :]

Wind Waker Unplugged

2010-10-25T10:18:00.001-04:00

"Sorrow", Bad Religion

2010-10-19T13:05:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be honest, I'm pretty pissed.

This guy at Parma, my old high school, committed suicide because bullying has gotten so bad... Now, that's not the part that pissed me off. As a matter of fact, I cried because of it. I've seen the kids Facebook profile prior to this and thought about getting to know him. Now..well..I don't have that option now. "Fall into a fear far crueler than regret..." This is the part that pissed me off; kids were posting status' saying things like "I'm tired of hearing about it... This kid's a vagina for killing himself... If I hear about it anymore I'm going to punch someone..." and what have you. All politeness aside, what the fuck is wrong with this generation? Have we all become so desensitized to everything, even something as serious as suicide, that it's all either a big fucking joke or publicity stunt? Bullshit... People should have better fucking sense than that... At least that's how I was raised. You DON'T go out of your way to be an asshole and you certainly DON'T joke about human life.

"Mexico", Cake

2010-10-15T12:54:00.000-04:00

Gay marriage.

Here's the part where I'm going to look like the biggest asshole known to man; I completely agree with this video. However, the way it's presented is completely wrong. Given I know a thing or two about rebelling and protesting, they way the gay community is going about trying to get gay rights recognized and gay marriage legalized is no better than the christian community's way of going about keeping it illegal. I'm not gonna lie, after seeing this, in spite of agreeing with it, it makes it hard to take the gay community seriously. If you can't present your facts, opinions and view points in a way that DOESN'T make you look like an imbecile, no one is going to take you seriously and nothing is going to get done. You'll make noise about it, but that's it. Like I said, I agree completely with what this video had to say and I found the facts, opinions and view points awesome, but the overall presentation left much to be desired and is, basically, the entire reason gay rights/marriage hasn't made a whole lot of progress... 10+ on getting the attention of the younger generation, however, the people who NEED to hear it either won't take it serious or will be completely turned off simply because of how it's presented...

"Messiah", Hellhammer

2010-10-14T12:57:00.001-04:00

"@WorseFuneral So is bashing one of the most influential bands of all time in its genre. Dont be a tool. Youre obviously ignorant to the point that even smashing your fucking face into a pulsating bleeding mass of broken bones and flesh will teach you to shut the fuck up. And as such I find it difficult to take pity on you. Satan will rain hot acid down your throat, dissolve your testicles and turn your guts into snakes, you spineless, lumpy diahrrea piece of shit."

Best JooTube comment to date.

"Rezurect Me", Rezurex

2010-10-13T23:53:00.000-04:00

So I think I'm going to go an all fruit diet next week just to see if I get any results. Dwindling self esteem go, go, go!

Anyway, since I haven't been updating as much as I probably should, here's a brief overview of what's been going on lately.

A. Job get. HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER. Fuck yeah job get at a place that doesn't blow dick or deal with food. However, this job get would be much better if they were a little more on time with things... I'm not really a fan of waiting around for them to call.

B. Car get. Here's the deal: my dad got into an accident and, consequently, Rockafeller Skank was taken. Here's the part that blows dick; because my dad drives 70 miles to and from work everyday, Rockafeller Skank is being beat to shit. Oh, and it gets better... There's now something wrong with the exhaust, the bearings are going, the shocks and struts are pretty much gone completely and she's sitting at roughly 250,000 miles. Awesome, right? Well, a few days ago, I got a call from my aunt saying she wants to give me a car. It's a 90-something Geo Prism, stick shift, and basically a beater to get me to and from work. Sweet shit. +1 driving skill. However, the issue with all that is my dad is being a complete prick and having no dealings with the family at all and I get to play messenger. And, when I talked to my dad today, he admitted to using me as a weapon against the family. Pretty much, he had me tearing my hair out, losing sleep and wanting to kill someone just to get a reaction out of the family and get them to give him what he wants. That's fucking awesome. 'Cause I fucking LOVE being used, you know...

C. Penguin put in her two week notice as of today. Now, taking into consideration that her spending is out of control and the credit card bills are piling up left and right, paying them off is a little hard to do when you don't have a source of income, amirite? So, with all that, exactly what sense is there in quitting your job? Sure, she's pushing 70 and she's basically earned the right to sit on her ass all day, but can you really complain about a job that requires you to sit on your ass, answer phones and get paid for it? Not really, but what do I know?

Basically, that's what's been going on with me... Not to mention, I have a new found hard on for horror punk. But aside from that, basically, that's my life in a nutshell as of lately. Oh, I almost forgot; in glancing to the side, I was reminded of why I almost want to give up art completely. Havoc's tattoo design.

I haven't drawn anything worth looking at since about February. I wish I could say I was kidding. So, Havoc wanted me to draw up a zombie tattoo for her and would pay me for it. A. I've never drawn a zombie before in my life. B. I haven't drawn anything in a long time. C. She wanted it done in a week and a half. FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU- Basically. Needless to say, I worked on it, lost sleep over it, freaked out over it and pushed it out in time, just to have her say she didn't want it and NOT pay me. Fuck that noise... So, pretty much, after all the bad reviews on it and how much my 'skill' (assuming I had any to begin with) has diminished, I almost want to stop doing art completely... I mean, for the most part, none of my stuff is worth looking at and is sub-par at best... *sigh* I don't know... From about the middle of the year 'till now has done nothing but suck major dick... 2011 can't come fast enough...

"Grey Breaking Dawn", Tiger Army

2010-10-12T17:40:00.000-04:00

I FINALLY found a site that makes sweet layouts that actually work in new blogger. I'm excited as hell :D

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)", My Chemical Romance

2010-10-11T13:11:00.000-04:00

While listening to MCR, I read came across something about emo kids on VF that made me laugh pretty hard (irony anyone?)

"Emo/hipster (yes, I am grouping them together, because its the same shit, ask any contemporary cultural anthropologist) culture was in the majority among whites and hispanics by the time I graduated high school years ago."

"Feign your individuality all you like, it only serves to exemplify how generally short sighted and narcissistic you are."

"Should you dare to focus on any individual beyond the tip of your nose you might fall into the peril of realizing that you've been trolled throat deep into one of several "counter"-cultural herding pens where you can suckle the teat of consumerism and grow ever more gluttonous for the profitable slaughter of your middle age."

This is another reason why I love VF.

"Somewhere Under the Graveyard", Johnny Rottencorpse and The Rising Dead

2010-10-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

A typical day on VF:

Here's a closer look:

Even closer:

Everyone's original on VF!

In other news, HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY GOT A JOB! Bath and Body Works, the one place I LEAST expected to get a call from, called me for an interview and ACTUALLY CALLED ME BACK SAYING I GOT THE JOB! Needless to say, I'm shitting a brick, basically. The only sad part: I have to cover my little ones on my fingers (tattoos) and either part ways with my nose ring or cover it. Needless to say, I'm covering it. I lost my first rainbow stud already (which I'm STILL mad about) and I'm not running the risk of losing this one too. Also, on a bit of a scatter brained note, I'm A. pretty much bent on going down to Cincinnati to study mortuary science and B. starting to lose interest in just about everyone, as far as relationships go anyway. Who knows...perhaps I'll find someone either here, or in Cinci. Either way, if I do or don't, it's all the same to me. Also, on another scatterbrained note, Cinema Wasteland was AWESOME this year. In April, there's supposed to be an Evil Dead reunion and I think I may have convinced my dad to go to Cincinnati for Horror Hound simply because Malcom McDowell will be there. Hello there autographed copy of A Clockwork Orange soundtrack :]

"Detox", -OZ-

2010-09-23T18:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not too sure just yet, but I think I might want to be a mortician when I grow up. I'm really taking it into consideration and..it kind of sounds fun, actually.

"Good Evening", Outasight

2010-09-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

I've probably bitched about this before, but, have you ever felt like just leaving? Like going somewhere so far away you'd be able to brag about it? That's kind of how I feel currently. I found this artist, Outasight, and the music just reenforces that feeling of just wanting to leave. In all honesty, I feel like I've fucked up so much here that the only way out is to just leave and never come back. Start over somewhere-anywhere-that's not here, you know? I mean...if you take a good look at my life as it stands currently, I haven't got a whole lot going for me, here anyway... Friends who probably despise me for my, apparently, inability to not spout off at them when I'm in a lousy mood, burned bridges left and right, the job market sucks ass, I mean..what's the purpose of staying? If this job works out at Bath and Body Works, I'm half tempted to just save up, sell off almost everything I own, get a shit-ton of money together and just take off and cut off communication with everyone here. If looking out at Cleveland's skyline says (to me) there's bigger and better things over the horizon, why not go after them? It's not like they're going to come and get me. I mean, what if, for instance, there's something (or someone) better waiting for me in New York or somewhere? And when I say something better, I mean a chance to be happy, get on by myself and be able to look at life a little differently for a change, with no worries about this, that or the other. Sure, up and leaving is a 50/50 shot of making it or breaking it, but what have I got to lose at this point? Not a whole hell of a lot, from my perspective at least. Here's how and why: I've been a total and complete bitch to Sharpie as of lately. I don't know what the fuck my problem is, but he's managed to irritate me over even the smallest shit. I know for a fact it's not him, the problem's with me, but what I'm getting at is that he's eventually going to get sick of me jumping his shit over stupid shit. Ergo, I lose a friend over something stupid. Matt (Cassidy) chose a life of smoking pot all the fucking time, isolating himself from everyone and doing little odd jobs here and there just to make ends meet... I lost him at the pot part. Brian fell in love with music and hardly keeps in touch anymore. Even when we're just hanging out when he's home from BG, it feels very distracted (at least on my end) and almost like he doesn't want to be there. So, how long before that friendship fizzles out into nothing, or has it already and I'm just hanging on to the past for dear life? Mel? I don't even know... I dropped off the planet for a few years and just decided to pop back into her life and..I don't know. Like I said, it feels like I've just screwed up so much here that it'd almost be better if I just left.

"Point/Counterpoint", Streetlight Manifesto

2010-09-20T21:41:00.000-04:00

"So tell me friend: how's it going to end?
When the shit goes down
And there's no one left around to get your back
You'll crack
You'll smile and agree with everything they say
They'll try to tell you that it's all okay
But it's not and you're shot and you're bleeding pretty bad
And you can't stop thinking about the things you never had
Like a wife and a kid and the things you never did
You're running around
You're living a life that's empty in the end, my friend..."

Streetlight Manifesto, "Point/Counterpoint"

"Greener", Tally Hall

2010-09-20T20:37:00.001-04:00

"Empty Without You", The Used

2010-09-18T18:44:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, you've gotta hand it to family. In a nutshell, I'm hurting so bad for money I'm about a half step away from bouncing around strip clubs asking if they need help because that seems to be the only way I'd be able to make money anymore. Not that I'm entirely that desirable, but it's pretty obvious that people will toss money at just about any pair of boobs they see. With everything that's going on with me at the bank, I'm pretty much desperate at this point. Not to mention, the fact that I've filled out applications for just about every store in Parma 3 times over and haven't gotten ONE phone call is pretty discouraging... My dad said he'd help me out with the bank thing, and as much as a sigh of relief as it is, I still feel like shit. It's, basically, reverting back to relying on everyone else to pull me out of a grave I dug myself. I really wanted to work this off, earn the money and get my shit together myself, but I can't if no one's willing to give me a chance... And with the way the job market is here, the chance of me getting a job-seasonal or otherwise-is pretty slim to none at this point. If anything, I kind of feel like a useless sack of shit for not being able to get a job, stay in school, get any of my shit paid on time (which, in this case, it's a wonder I still have a functioning phone) and, basically, become a productive member of society. All factors considered, I'm kind of a waste... The only grave I've managed to dig myself out of was the one with Dave, in which case, where did it get me? Nowhere. I'm still in the same boat, 3 months later. Go figure, right? I don't know..I just feel so fucking useless it's a joke. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not handicapped, retarded or anything in between, so why can I NOT find a job? Am I that repulsive? I don't know... Something's got to give sometime...

"Broken", Bad Religion

2010-09-15T14:27:00.004-04:00

...And this is why I love VampireFreaks still.

By the way: thank you, photobucket, for having a terrible editing program -_-;

"22", Lily Allen

2010-09-10T20:09:00.000-04:00

About this whole issue with the Mosque being built next to the site of ye olden World Trade Center...why are people so butthurt over it? Or, rather, why can't people look at it from two different angles? Sure, I can see how people could view it as a slap in the face for the families of people who died there or have kids and so on in the military. Fine. But, how about looking at it not as a slap in the face, but as a way of trying to end the mess in the middle east? In building the Mosque, it'd be like the U.S. trying to say, "listen, we've fought for how many years now and have gotten no where. We're tired, you're tired and the common consensus is wanting peace, right? Well, how 'bout this: we build a mosque there to show you guys that we're willing to make peace and become friends. k?". But, of course, no one looks at it like that... People would rather get all up in arms and burn the first Koran they can get their hands on, rather than looking past face value... If this is what America's come to, I want out...

"Motor City is Burning", MC5

2010-09-10T12:57:00.002-04:00

"Brothers and sisters, I wanna tell ya somethin'. I hear a lotta talk, by a lotta honkey's, sittin' on a lotta money tellin' me they're high society. But I'll let ya know somethin'. If ya ask me, THIS is the high society! This is the high society!" - Rob Tyner

(Photographer unknown)

"Shortwired", Grendel

2010-09-08T12:36:00.000-04:00

There's never been a time where I wished I were in school more than today. Obama is speaking at Tri-C currently and I can't go because I'm not a student there. So, in spite of A. not being a student and B. knowing my questions won't be answered anyway, here's a short list of questions I'd ask the president if I ever got the chance:

-Why are the needs of the few being put above the needs of the many? I realize that we're in quite the economical rut and I know the government is doing what it can to try and fix it, but it seems like congress is still holding onto the past and refusing to make room for any potentially good change any one can suggest. It's like they want to fix the depression and still find a way to profit from it. How is that productive?

-How's the whole healthcare bill coming along? I'm sure I'm not the only one whose kind of tired of being in limbo about that...

-Congrats on ending the war in Iraq. Should my opinion mean anything, you've scored brownie points with me for being a politician whose ACTUALLY kept his word about something like that. Keep up the good work :D!

-If the U.S. government is based on a system of checks and balances, why then does congress have the power to throw out anything you suggest? Sure, if they bring something to your office for approval you have the power to veto it, but they can just override your veto with a vote. What gives?

-Last but not least, since we're in such a financial crisis and if education is key, why then is school so expensive? If kids my age are making the decision to actually GO to college, why should they have to dig themselves into a massive hole of debt in order to go? That just seems silly... The main reason kids don't go to college is because 9 out of 10 times they can't afford it. So, if the plan is to get kids in to college to further their education and become a productive member of society, shouldn't there be something in place to make a college education more attainable for people? Just a thought...

"Son of A Preacher Man", Dusty Springfield

2010-09-07T23:44:00.000-04:00

I figured I'd change it up a little for autumn :].

Anyway, insert blatantly egotistical blog entry here, but I'm getting hit on left and right on VF and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I guess it could be viewed as a compliment of sorts, but still. It's a little odd, to be honest. I guess I'm not used to that kind of attention *shrug*.

"Batman", Skeletal Family

2010-09-06T15:12:00.000-04:00

This is just funny. 1991? Deathrock? A sign perhaps? Who knows

"21st Century Cure", Repo! The Genetic Opera

2010-09-06T14:38:00.000-04:00

"So why care for these petty obsessions?
Your designer heart still beats with common blood
And what if you could have genetic perfection?
Would you change who you are if you could?"

Just a fun little quote from Repo! The Genetic Opera that, in my opinion, speaks VOLUMES about my generation...

"Television", Bad Religion

2010-09-04T12:10:00.000-04:00

Ahh, September. The precursor to my favourite month of all time; October. The faint smell of autumn in the passing breezes, the changing of the leaves, and, of course, the slue of horror movies they'll be showing on Chiller. There's no reason to NOT like autumn! No more blistering heat, people start wearing more clothing, the start of intense hoodie and trench coat weather..just a few of the things I love about autumn. Not to mention, I tend to get more creative around this time, which is always a plus :D! There's nothing quite like waking up to a lawn full of leaves for a morning smoke and tea. Nothing like it at all. And, even more of a plus, halloween shops start opening up, so the final and complete steps to my halloween costume can finally be complete! Awesome! Ahh, I love autumn :D!

(picture from ~fructy on deviantArt)

"Better Off Dead", Bad Religion

2010-09-01T12:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry about the sun,
How could I know that you would burn?
And I'm sorry about the moon,
How could I know that you'd disapprove?
And I'll never make the same mistake,
The next time I create the universe, I'll make sure we communicate at length

Oh, yeah

But until then...
Better off dead
A smile on the lips and a hole in [my] head,
Better off dead
Yeah, better than this
Take it away, 'cause there's nothing to miss

I'm sorry about [your] world,
How could I know you'd take it so bad?
And I'll never make the same mistake,
So, if you're looking for a patsy, why not try the entire human race?
Just to play it safe

But until then...
Better off dead
A smile on the lips and a hole in [my] head,
Better off dead
Yeah, better than this
Take it away, 'cause there's nothing to miss
Better off dead
Yeah, better off dead
Why don't you try pushing daisies instead?
Better off dead
Yeah, better off dead
A smile on the lips and a hole in the head

And I'll never make the same mistake,
The next time I create the universe, I'll make sure you participate

Oh, yeah

And I'll never make the same mistake,
The next time I create the universe, I'll make sure [to] participate
Just in case

"Evil", 45 Grave

2010-08-30T13:24:00.000-04:00

I fucking HATE being in limbo about things... I really do. I just put a phone call into BP in regards to the job and what have you, just to let them know I'm still interested, and the only answer I got was "we'll call you when the results come back". Well, after the test, the guy said the results would be in after 72 hours, ie: Monday or Tuesday. Of LAST FUCKING WEEK. Now, I know numbers aren't exactly my strong point, but even in my limited knowledge of math and what have you, I can say with complete certainty that it's been a little more than 72 hours. /sarcasm.

"Orbit of Me", Delerium

2010-08-26T18:20:00.000-04:00

So, in the midst of a rather horrible bout of depression, I figure one way of fixing it (or at least attempting to) is to sell off some of my shit. I mean, with my whole bank situation and my general lack of money, it'd be a good way of getting some things fixed, at the very least. Looking around my room, I've got a good bit I can get rid of and, well, why not? I can at least get something fixed by doing so. Also, on a random note, I got in touch with an old friend from RTV last night. In all honesty, it was a bit unnerving... Actually, to be honest, last night was pretty horrible... I decided it was a nice night to go for a walk, and half way down my street, Matt, Sharpie, Kenny and Christian picked me up. We saw Zak for a minute or two and was then dumped off at my house. It kind of hurt, I'm not gonna lie. I mean, what, exactly, do I have to come home to? An empty room where I can expect to A. not sleep and B. think about everything and just sink further down? Sounds amazing... I guess I just need people more than I thought. I was also told I was wandering the streets like a hooker. Sure, it was a joke, but still. It bothered me... Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive..who knows... I don't know.. I also sank to a new low last night: dropping a valium in a last ditch effort to sleep and not caring about the consequences. It scared the fuck out of Sharpie and we ended up staying on the phone for an hour while I had a complete melt down... Awesome. Even more awesome; Matt heard it all, which made it 10 times worse... Great, if I didn't already come off like a complete basket case... Amazing. It was odd. Matt (Cassidy), Brownie and myself finally reached something we can all agree on: not giving a fuck anymore. Anymore, I kind of don't see the point in caring. I practically failed out of school, I can't get a job, I'm alone and, really, it doesn't seem like it's going to get much better from here. "But when you've hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up, right?" Sure, when life isn't throwing a shovel down, having it peg you in the face and it saying "dig further, you're not done here yet". I don't know anymore... It seems like everything I try to do anymore just fails miserably and comes back to slap me in the face. Where the fuck do I go from here? Any answers?

"The Ballad of Johnny Butt", Sublime

2010-08-23T15:58:00.001-04:00

Well, the deed has been done. I pawned off my old "engagement" ring. Needless to say, I got majorly screwed, but hey, money's money and I guess it was time to finally let go of the one last part of the past. It's odd; no part of me wanted to get rid of that ring, yet at the same time, there was no point to keeping it around. What purpose would it serve? A reminder of the past? Yeah, like I need anymore of that... Ahh well, life goes on, I suppose. Perhaps something better will come along in the future. On a side note, Saturday was pretty amazing. I spent the day with my dad at Tower City, got the special edition Dawn of The Dead for $5.00 and we went to see REO Speedwagon and Pat Benatar all in the same day. Pretty sweet, right? Here's some pics:

Pat Benatar:

REO Speedwagon:

(Pics would've been better if they allowed cameras into venues >:c )

"Down, Down, Down to Mephisto's Cafe", Streetlight Manifesto

2010-08-20T00:22:00.000-04:00

"You were gone when we found you. You were practically surrounded, you were trapped. But the opposition stalled, their blood ran cold, when they saw the look of love in your eyes..."

I know I've said this before, but there are some days where things get so bad that you want nothing more than to see your city burn to the ground, and others where in spite of how shitty things are, you still love it. Little things jump out at you and make you think to yourself "why get bent out of shape? Things'll get better, they have to" and that's the most you have to go on. Tonight is that kind of night. I found out I'm up shit creek with my bank today, I'm (obviously) not going to school this semester, I'm sick as hell, my dad has the car for god knows how long, I was screwed by penguin (big surprise) and, overall, things blow currently. Yet, there's nothing like going for a walk, having a cigarette or two, throwing on a mix of Sublime and a random assortment of ska, and kicking back with a nice Arnold Palmer to get you to think, "ya know, things aren't so bad after all". During my walk, I passed several spots where old memories started screaming out. An old friends old house, for example. It was the house we became friends in, basically, and rather than get depressed about how we don't talk anymore and, basically, cut off any and all communication, I just kind of smiled. As unfortunate as it is, people have a tendency to come and go through out life. Some come and go as assholes, others come and go for a reason, and it's not so much the fact that they came, saw and left, but it's the impression they left on you, I think. If myself and my old friend never cross paths again, it's fine. Not because I'm scared of what I turned into anymore, but because I, at least, have the memories we had to go on and perhaps, it's better off this way. Who knows. It's just one of those things you think about at midnight when you're out for a walk and things seem to have gotten so bad you either don't care anymore or a small piece of the puzzle just revealed its self.

"Everyone was laughing when we said we had it made..."

"Not Big", Lily Allen

2010-08-16T21:29:00.000-04:00

I hate when people do stupid shit, I really do. Penguin just bought a new car today. Her reason: "my old one was falling apart". NO IT FUCKING WASN'T. Even for a Ford, it WASN'T falling apart by any stretch of the imagination. I also hate when people have an opportunity to do something and then pass it up for some stupid, bullshit reason. A friend's dad entered them into this thing to go to Maine for 10 months to work on getting better at photography and her reason for not going was "I don't want to lose contact with people I know here". WHAT THE HELL IS LEFT HERE?! There are no good art schools here, there's no jobs anywhere...what the fuck-why would you NOT do that? Do you NOT have a cellphone? Do you NOT have access to a fucking computer?! ARE YOU AN IDIOT? It's the kind of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you don't pass up for stupid shit. But then again, what do I know?

"Carol of The Bells", Nox Arcana

2010-08-14T20:33:00.000-04:00

"No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."

- John Donne, "For Whom The Bells Toll"

Just a lovely little poem I found that kind of stuck with me.

"Garden Grove", Sublime

2010-08-06T01:45:00.000-04:00

So I just checked my financial aid shit from the school and it said something about it being disqualified.

(click for bigger image) Yeah. That's the message I got. So, erm...I really don't know what to make of it. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun (as usual) or maybe I'm just a terrible student. I dunno... Hopefully I'm just jumping the gun :\

"Stop Looking", Hotstove Jimmy

2010-08-05T14:26:00.000-04:00

So, Jackie and Sam are being absurdly vocal about their dealings with Dave (on facebook, among other things). Just for the sake of letting it out, a good 90% of me is thinking "bullshit on this, the three of them are quite the masterpieces so fuck 'em. Let 'em crash and burn" while the other 10% would still like to punch the both of them in the throat as hard as possible. Just thought I'd let that out...

"Coppers", Rancid

2010-08-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Utah,

Please, on behalf of the United States, quit making such a bit to-do over a decision a state made that, in no way, shape or form, directly effects you. I know, seeing the "moral decline" of the U.S. is hard on any of ye religious folk, but isn't that the entire purpose of state law? I.E.: you do things your way, I'll do things my way. I mean, c'mon, you're giving California shit for allowing gays to be married, everyone's giving you shit for thinking miscarriages should be punishable by law. I think the playing field is pretty even, at this point. So, again, for the sake of sanity, logic and reason, quit making a big to-do over something that doesn't effect you.

Sincerely,

Ohio

"9mm and a Three Piece Suit", Catch 22

2010-08-04T20:12:00.000-04:00

"Well I know I shouldn't care
but I do and I don't
and I always crack a smile
when I see your punk rock clothes
and you try try but you never fit in
and you're never going to so pack it up
pack it in, so there..."

Ain't that the truth? I know I shouldn't give a fuck, but I do (and I don't..go figure). Ah well, such are the sorrows of life. Well, I started the process of getting reenrolled at Tri-C today. As with most things involving college, it was as confusing as shit (big surprise) but I got through it. Now I get to see if A. I even get the money and B. if it's not too late to sign up for a gym class or two at the very least. Who knows, perhaps this semester will go considerably better than the last two. I mean, now that I've given myself some time off to figure out what the fuck I'd like to do with my life and so on... I really don't think I've come to any more conclusions than the last time, but I guess it's worth a shot, ya know? I mean, shit, it's not like I have any set structure in my life, currently, so at the very least, getting back into school will get me back on some kind of track, and that's always a plus. Since this semester is probably going to be a last minute fluke, I figured spring semester will be where I actually put effort in. Perhaps take a photography class, philosophy class and belly dance (of course). Who knows... I'm still kind of a wreck from last month, so at this point, I'm pretty much convinced that the only way I have left to go is up... I mean, think about it. Last month: I left Dave, was fucked over pretty hard core by a friend, was read the riot act about getting back to school and if I don't I A. lose the car, B. don't get the job at Thistledown (thanks, dad...) and C. lose health insurance. ...Which is always awesome, ya know... On a random fucking note, I kind of want to thank Streetlight Manifesto, Catch 22 and, really, ska as a whole. In all honesty, if it weren't for ska, I would've probably lost it (assuming I haven't already, with the whole walking into Cleveland around 12:00 - 1:00 in the morning 'cause I'm bored as shit). So, with that, thank you, ska, for making my life a little more bearable!

"One Foot on The Gas, One Foot in The Grave", Streetlight Manifesto

2010-08-01T04:14:00.002-04:00

For the record, I totally support drunk drawing. Just thought I'd let that out and have it be known.

"Mad World", Alex Parks

2010-07-30T16:01:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow's the wedding. And I guess I'm going, whether I want to or not... It was a weird day, yesterday. I went for a walk here, there and everywhere with Sharpie and Christian, playing pool with them and, toward the end of the day, I had a bit of a breakdown. Like I said before, I'm no more found than I am lost anymore. Where do I stand in all this? It's like the world around me is going on without stopping and I'm just watching it all happen with no say in or about anything. It probably means that I need to quit hoping the world will stop turning for a minute and just go with the flow, but it's kind of hard to. It's hard to just go with everything. I ended up getting pretty drunk last night with Sharpie... Not to say it wasn't pretty well deserved, given everything that's happening.. However, it was nice. Nice in the sense that, for a little bit, I didn't HAVE to care about everything going on. I didn't HAVE to worry about everything. I could take a little time and just relax. Is it sad that I needed a bottle of Jack to do so? Well, it depends on who you ask. I don't know... Nothing seems right anymore and, as much as I try to just relax a bit and get my mind off everything, I can't. Something new decides to jump up and prevent it. However, on a positive note, I've been doing photography out the ass as of lately. I suppose the saying "art never comes from happiness" is true... Clearly, I'm not happy anymore, yet it's the one thing that makes me feel like it's all going to be okay. Maybe everything will be okay, who knows...

"Runaway", Linkin Park

2010-07-28T23:47:00.000-04:00

Linkin Park...that's a band that hasn't popped up in here in quite some time. Yet, they seem the most appropriate for the given situation... Well, it's official. Penguin's husband-to-be has officially moved in and is now part of the family. Frankly, I'm not happy or sad about it... If anything, I feel just kind of distant, like I'm getting in the way of everything now. Like I'm stopping Penguin from having a happy life because I can't seem to get mine together. I don't know what I want to do, go or anything. It's like I'm just here, taking up space and wasting time. Today hasn't been very good, to be honest. My dad called Sharpie and myself into Thistledown to talk to me about this, that and the other in regards to the wedding and what have you. Honestly, I don't know if I even want to go now (not that I wanted to go in the first place). And when I say that, I mean I don't know if I even have a rightful place at the wedding. As Alanis Morrissette put it, "I can be an asshole of the grandest kind". I pretty much am, when you think about it. I'm not happy about any of this, and now I just feel like I'm no more found than lost, if that makes any sense. In a nutshell, he told me to basically suck it up, go, quit bucking and rearing about everything and to get my life together. My initial reaction to all of that is, "fuck you, guy. You're in no position to tell ANYONE to get their shit together so, kindly, go fuck yourself", but after giving it thought, I do need to get my shit together (literally and figuratively)... He also told me I, pretty much, have no choice when it comes to getting back into school. Well, what the hell am I going to go in for? Philosophy? Sure, just so everyone can sit back with their big bag of popcorn and watch me botch that one up (again)... Photography? There's a fucking reason I only took one year of RTV and, to be honest, graduating on time ISN'T it. I'm a fucking moron when it comes to the technicalities of photography. Sure, Sharpie could teach me a thing or two, but none of it sticks. All I know is how to spot something that's (in my opinion) eye catching and take a picture. Every now and then it can convey a certain feeling, emotion, thought, meaning and what have you, but you know how that goes... You have to be an ACTUAL artist in order to do that... Something I'm clearly not... It feels like I don't know anything anymore. What the fuck do I do? Where do I go? Where am I going and where have I been? Like I said, I'm no more found than I am lost (in spite of taking walks that are, in all reality, six different kinds of ridiculous). Just a few minutes ago, I came in from a smoke break and just walking from my room, outside and back...this house seems so foreign now... Like everything I've known for about 15 years has just up and left without even so much as a goodbye. It doesn't even feel like a home anymore. Just a house I happen to take up space in. Frankly, my fucking car feels like more of a home than the house. Everything feels so vile here, I can't stand it... Which brings me to another point that's been on my mind for quite some time: the community house. In just a few days, it'll be no more. Nothing. Denny and Terry are moving back in and everyone there is, basically, getting the eviction notice. Even with all the memories (good, bad and otherwise) that place holds, it was somewhere I could go and feel like everything was going to be okay. Now..well, now it's gone. What the hell is going on? Is this all really happening? It seems like, given everything that's been happening as of lately, it just begs the question "is this really happening? Is this all real, or just a horrendous nightmare I'll wake up from soon?". Frankly, at this point, I don't know the answer. I'm almost not sure what's real and what's not anymore. Half of me is hoping-praying, even-that this is just some sick nightmare that'll be over soon and the other knows it's not. That's what hurts... Hoping it's all fake, yet knowing it's not. The only comforting thing I've been able to find is spending as much time with friends as possible and looking out at Cleveland's skyline at night. Friends equal good times, good memories and a sense of "everything will be okay as long as we have each other" and the skyline reminds me that there are bigger, better things out there on the horizon and, for the past week or so, I've been inching closer to that horizon (in the sense of wandering my way into Cleveland on my nightly strolls. Dangerous? Most assuredly. Stupid? Well, that's a matter of opinion, isn't it?). "I never wanted this, no one ever wanted this, but they gave it to me so I might as well be proud of it. I don't know where we went wrong, all I know now is that I got to do something right." Maybe something'll come from all this nonsense..it's about the most I can hope for at this point...

"Midnight Sun", Ivy

2010-07-26T18:45:00.000-04:00

I love moral dilemmas... With this whole wedding fiasco that's going on this weekend, I have one of two options: Either go and pass up a chance at a job doing something I ACTUALLY enjoy, or not go, get a bunch of shit from the family and be made to feel like an asshole now with 50% more bills paid. I adore situations like this... I know what I want to do; not go and actually get the job. But it's the whole, "well, it's your grandma's wedding, you kind of have an obligation to go" thing that's irritating me. Yes, I realize it's a once in a life time thing to see your grandma get married (again) and, given all she's done for me, I kind of DO have an obligation to go. But at the same time, how many chances does one get to get a job they actually LIKE doing? What the fuck... Either way, I lose. "Fuck yeah, job get" with everyone calling me an asshole or "I'm fucking broke, but I went to the wedding, at least"... I don't know...

"Song to The Siren", This Mortal Coil

2010-07-25T18:49:00.000-04:00

"40oz to Freedom", Sublime

2010-07-22T06:01:00.000-04:00

I've realized I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the ability to stay up all night. Half of me loves being able to go out for a smoke and see the sun peeking over the horizon. The other half hates it because I know I'm going to be sleeping through out most of the day and screwing up any thing that could loosely be called a sleep schedule. Either way, it kind of puts me in a good mood being able to see it more often than not, given I don't have a whole hell of a lot to do anymore. It's one of those things that, when you do go to sleep, you can go to sleep with a smile. I have a sneaking suspicion today is going to be a good day :D

"Dragonfly (Conjure One remix)", The Cruxshadows

2010-07-20T20:20:00.000-04:00

I watched a snippet of a movie today that really got me thinking. The movie is called "Philosophy of a Knife" and it's, basically, a shockumentary on Unit 731 in Japan and what went on there. Pretty much, House on Haunted Hill only 50% more Japanese. It really got me thinking. The images shown were reproduced, but accurate, and the more they showed, the more I thought to myself "how could someone do that to someone else? How could someone do this to another human being and not feel any emotion over it?" basically. One thought led to another and it came down to the question of "if you had the opportunity to torture and kill your worst enemy, would you?". To my knowledge, 9 out of 10 answers would be no, the 1 representing the 1% of the population that actually would (i.e.: serial killers, sadists and so on). Other people might say "well, everyone has a bit of a sadist built into them, it's just human nature", well, I refuse to accept that as truth. I don't believe it. My reasoning: If people naturally had malice and hate built into them, why then would 9 out of 10 people not be able to bring themselves to torture and kill their worst enemy? It's a prime opportunity to let that "natural instinct" out. If asked that, most people's answer would be, in my opinion, "I wouldn't want that sitting on my conscience for the rest of my life" or something close to it. Frankly, I believe it goes deeper than that. In playing devil's advocate for my own argument, there was an experiment held sometime in the 60's, I believe, by a college. They got a group of students together and rented out a prison for 1-2 months. Half of the students played the role of guards and the other played the inmates. A few weeks into the experiment, they had to shut it down because the "guards" began doing sadistically cruel things to the "inmates", which really makes any opposing argument hard. Basically, "if people are NOT naturally born with malice, hatred, spite and so on, how and why did this happen?". To argue that to the best of my ability (and knowing pieces of the puzzle are missing), I believe malice, hate and so on are more taught, rather than naturally built in. We see it everyday (just watch the news) and, as a result, are brought up BELIEVING that it's just natural for people to be cruel to one another if given the opportunity. We also live in a world where "well, everyone has a bit of a sadist built into them" is just accepted as truth, rather than questioned and challenged. It's taught through our everyday bombardment of every negative aspect of society. That's just what I believe (and sorry if it seem like I'm rambling. I'm fairly certain I'm on some kind of nicotine/caffeine buzz due to pounding down a Full Throttle and several smoke breaks). More on this later, perhaps

"Sophia", The Cruxshadows

2010-07-14T10:22:00.001-04:00

"The human animal is a beautiful and terrible creature, capable of limitless compassion and unfathomable cruelty. If you wish to find that which becomes the dividing line between mankind and other biological classifications, it rests not in brain size, dominance, or even emotional capability, but lies in the unique capacity for human beings to reflect on their actions and show regret, what is most certainly the ability to empathize, that gives them their position. All animals understand love and affection, but only man shows the propensity to place himself into the shoes of another lifeform. Losing this capability, among individuals of this species, reduces them below their much heralded position, and readies the climate for the likely fall of man, the fall from grace."

-The Cruxshadows, "Sophia", Dreamcypher

"Frozen", Collide

2010-07-10T20:25:00.000-04:00

I think it's all starting to sink in now. I finally got to spend a Saturday with my dad (for the first time in about three weeks, mind you) and I found out a lot today, which gets me to believe it's all starting to sink in now. In a nutshell, I found out that, in spite of what my dad has to say, my mom only had me in order to keep my dad around, he cheated on someone he really loved back in the days of the band and that it's easy to stomp on someone's emotions. This all hit me like a ton of bricks... I guess, on the topic of my mom, it makes sense as to why she left after the custody battle and only now decides to come back and make up for lost time. Well, after hearing all that, I pretty much want nothing to do with her. Hearing that my dad cheated on someone in the past really struck a nerve, but then again, anything like that would at this particular moment, now wouldn't it? The question still remains though; why? What the fuck would compel someone to do that to another human? I still don't understand. Now, well shit... Now I don't even know what to do with myself... It's the part where everything, even the slightest thing, seems daunting and irritating. Every five minutes I end up checking my phone, hoping something will be there, yet knowing nothing will. It's the part where half of me wishes I could just drop off the face of the earth, and the other desperately wants people around. I don't even know at this point...

"Roulette", System of A Down

2010-07-06T12:28:00.000-04:00

I've got a few things to get off my chest. First off, when I tell someone "don't talk to me ever again, I'm done", for starters, I mean it. Don't talk to me. Don't try to rebuild communication "after the dust settles" because I don't want it. Needless to say, this is all about Dave and his inability to accept the fact that he fucked me over, pretty royally, to be blunt. No, I don't want to be friends, no I don't want to talk to you or see you. Quit trying. I found out a few more things about him (which I'm not going into details about) which killed any remaining feelings I may have had for him. I mean..what the fuck? I was loyal for 3 years and this is the thanks I get. Whatever..fuck it. Let him go off believing whatever story he wants to believe. It's no concern of mine, and what I'm doing with myself SHOULD be no concern of his. All of this got started when I got 3 text messages from him at about 4 o'clock this morning. One of them was his attempt at asking me to go on a Denny's trip, the second asked if I wanted an iPod charger for my car and the third said, "I wish you didn't hate me". Well, it's kind of hard not to when I find out all sorts of lovely shit about a person. If you're going to fuck someone over, either come out about it, or just break it off. If you're not going to be loyal, leave. Get out. Save someone the heartache and pain, you know? But, what can you expect from someone with the mentality of maybe a third grader... Yeah, if you couldn't tell, I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. Whenever I think about it, I still feel like a jackass for thinking everything was going smoothly, when in reality, I was being used essentially... It doesn't hurt as bad now, but it's still there, and I imagine it will be for quite some time. If I didn't already have trust issues with people, this just amplified them 20 fold... Even though it shouldn't be the case, it is. I had preexisting issues with being abandoned and lied to in the past and when that all finally came to pass, I promised myself I'd never put someone through that. It's kind of like a high of sorts. One minute, you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing can hurt you because you trust someone so much to be there incase you slip and fall, the next, you find out they're not there and it hurts all the way down. From knowing how that feels first hand, I promised I'd never put someone through that kind of hurt. Even through all that, growing emotionally and watching and learning about people, I still don't understand how someone could be so careless as to just throw emotions around like that and not think twice. At this point, I guess I never will. I suppose it's just best to let bygones be bygones and look to the future, hoping for the best.

"Power is Boring", Jello Biafra and DOA

2010-07-01T18:57:00.000-04:00

This has been the weirdest end of a month I've ever had. Two days ago I found out that Dave's whole cheating thing may have been a lie (blow job, not hand job), I've had someone hit on me right after I left Dave and I've been just confused ever since. Here's the whole story (from my perspective, obviously): Dave's been acting funny for the past week (probably because the community house is finally starting to go to pieces) or so and everyones puzzled about it. So, I go over to the community house, talk to Dave before he leaves for work, then Sharpie and a friend of ours end up chilling. We go into the woods to talk about what's been going on as of lately, and when we leave to go back to the house, before we even go in, our friend pulls me aside and says he got a step up from a hand job; i.e.: blow job and I'm crushed. I call Dave up, bitch him out and we break up. Then, our friend drops us off at Sharpie's house so him and I can just talk and hang out and ease the pain of said break up. Well, as Sharpie and I are talking, our friend starts texting me-hitting on me, rather. Fine, dandy, thanks for being there and offering to help out, I appreciate it. Here's where it starts to get a little weird: we're not sure if our friend lied to me to deliberately break Dave and I up, or if it's legit. Frankly, I think it's legit, but that's just me and I'm a mental mess over this whole thing, so thinking logically is not an option at this point. So, as a result, Sharpie is taking on the role of Sherlock Holmes to try and figure out whose lying and I'm just watching it all unfold. Good intentions or no, I'd be crushed if I found out our friend lied to me about that whole thing as an attempt to break Dave and myself up. I'd be crushed, and I really don't know what I'd do (not that I know a whole lot now, let's be honest). I don't know... I'm so confused about this whole thing, but lie or not, I suppose it's for the best. I mean, I wasn't happy at all. I haven't been happy in a long time, not that I'm a whole lot better now, but still. I don't know..hopefully something will come of it and I find someone whose actually worth all this headache... I mean, this whole break up has been a fucking disaster so far... I don't know... All I can do now is hope for the best, I guess...

"Infested", Choking Victim

2010-06-22T03:05:00.000-04:00

I like nights like tonight. Since I've pretty much stopped sleeping at night, I'm normally up thinking about what my dad and I are going to do, worrying about Matt (as usual) and generally feeling pretty terrible. Tonight's different. I went out to have a cigarette and, for once, reality didn't hit me as soon as I stepped out of the house. I actually felt pretty good, for a change. Which is nice. I don't know if it's just a summer thing or what, but for some reason, every now and then I just feel good going outside, having a smoke and having nothing bother me. As of lately, I've started to hate nights because most of them are spent thinking about everything bad that's going on and I normally feel like there's no way out, nothing's going to change, this is how it's going to be forever (and being pretty sick on top of it doesn't exactly help) so better get used to it. Tonight's not the case. I actually feel good. It's kind of like the fourth of July last year, where after watching the fireworks (and failing to get good pictures of them) I just kind of wandered around Parma for an hour or two just thinking about everything and actually enjoying myself. Nothing bothered me, nothing put me in a bad mood, I really enjoyed myself. One of the things lately that's been keeping me up at night has been this job issue of mine. It's kind of like "Okay, I'm 19 and haven't worked a day in my life. What do I do now?". I've filled out application after application, called place after place, had two interviews and still no paycheck to call my own. Normally I'd get bent out of shape over it and start to feel like a horrible person whose never going to be employed ever and become a failure, but tonight (at least), I actually feel okay with it. I went out with Havoc earlier to visit a friend of hers (which turned out to be incredibly awkward) and on the way home I thought to myself "Why not do what you're good at?". Rather than take the face value approach (kind of like, "well..I'm good at art, so I'll do something with that!"), I thought a little more about it. I can't really put into words what came across my mind, but it was something that put me in a good mood and made me feel a little better about myself. Kind of one of those "something will come in due time, don't rush it" feelings. If I were supposed to have a job by now, I would, you know? It kind of goes in line with the "everything happens for a reason" mindset. If I'm unemployed, I'm unemployed for a reason. Not because I'm lazy or stupid, but because the "right" job hasn't come around yet. Then again, how would I know? After all, I'm rambling in a blog at 3 in the morning... Who knows. Perhaps something will come up. Sooner rather than later

"There For You", Flyleaf

2010-06-16T01:45:00.000-04:00

There are certain things in life that come up where you're haphazardly at the right place at the right time. Today was one of them. Dave and I were out and about today and went to Parma Pets-which is FILTHY, to put it nicely-to get Sean Connery (our lizard) some crickets to eat. When we were leaving, we saw someone walking in carrying a tub of something. I looked inside and saw a bunny. Me, naturally, I see a fuzzy and get excited, so Dave looks in as well, sees the bunny and the guy carrying the tub asks us if we want him. At first, I didn't take him seriously (you know how people joke about giving pets away) but then he started going on about how he can't take care of it and how there's more of them at home so he was going to drop it off at Parma Pets. Now, take into consideration, Parma Pets is this small pet shop off of Ridge Road that really has no business having animals in it at all. The place is disgusting. There's dirt and what have you all over the floor, the animals look pitiful, it's cramped and just..not a good environment for animals (at least as far as I'm concerned). So, after deliberating for a minute or two, Dave decides to take the bunny. Now, given our situation, most logical thinkers would say "what the hell are you thinking? You have a kitten and lizard at home, what the fuck are you going to do with a rabbit?". That thought kind of had me spooked about taking the bunny. Well, that's where the "being in the right place at the right time" comes in. I'm starting to think there's a reason we ran into that guy outside the pet shop and there's a reason he had that bunny with him. That store is pretty gross, to say the least, and we kind of saved it from living there. Which kind of makes me feel good inside.

"Lights", Journey

2010-06-13T23:09:00.001-04:00

I'm gonna ramble about people being pregnant at a young age again...

I found out a few days ago two old friends of mine are pregnant (or an expecting father) and..they're proud of it, to say the least. I find that kind of disturbing and unsettling. What is with this asinine trend of getting pregnant right after high school? Am I the only one who sees something wrong with it, or have I lost my mind? It feels like I'm sitting back and watching a growing number of people I know destroy their lives and any chance of going somewhere before they're even given a shot just because they "love" someone. No, you fucking don't. You're young and stupid (myself included) and really have no grasp of what things really are. What's going to happen when your parents boot you (and your kid) out of the house? Get a job at, lets say, Burger King? Fine. Awesome. You have a job, great. But just remember, day care is expensive. So are school fees, clothes, food, toys for your kid and so on. Your job at Burger King is NOT going to accommodate to how expensive things are getting, just for the record. Seeing all this happen is depressing, almost. It begs the question, "how could someone be so stupid?". I'm going to go out on a limb here and quote JV and say "Why are people so unpleasant?"... It's true. Why ARE people so unpleasant? Or, for that matter, why is this world so unpleasant? This type of shit keeps me awake at night. Everyday you see little parts of the world go to shit and it's like there's nothing you can do about it. Things have just been really depressing lately, and this is no help...

"The Receiving End of It All", Streetlight Manifesto

2010-06-11T23:39:00.000-04:00

I'm really stressed about trying to find a costume for the performances-which I found out there's one in July, August AND September. Awesome. This whole not-having-a-job-therefore-not-having-an-income thing is starting to piss me off as well. I mean, I'd REALLY like to NOT be dicked around by Stancato's simply because I "don't have experience". I'm also starting to think that signing up for this performance class was a bad idea. I kind of figured it'd blow up in my face toward the end, but I also figured I'd also have some fucking SUPPORT with it... Not get into a hellacious argument over money. Speaking of money-or rather, the lack thereof-the financial situation at home is starting to tear the family apart. Penguin can't get her eating habits under control (because going out to eat is SO important), my dad's spending more money than he brings in, and I can't even afford to pay my fucking cellphone bill. The end result? Everyone's ready to kill each other because no one has enough money to go on. I'm so upset over this I almost feel like crying...

"Does He Love You", Skinnerbox

2010-06-08T20:04:00.001-04:00

So I decided to say piss on Pizza Hut. Not because it'd be a terrible place and what have you, it's not that at all, it's just that I can't afford to keep my car in driving-all-over-Parma-for-8-hours-straight shape, it's too old, has too many miles on it, it's not even in my name and, most importantly, my ability to do (even the simplest kind of) math on the spot is...terrible, to put it nicely. Bluntly put, I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to math and I don't want to come off like an idiot by whipping out my phone and using the calculator (because that's about the only way I'm able to do any form of math other than addition and subtraction). So basically, my car and math spooked me into not going through with orientation and so on at Pizza Hut. If anything, I feel even worse about making Mark, Evan and Dina look bad. Oh well..shit happens. In any event, I got another interview at Stancato's (an Italian restaurant somewhere close to Normandy) as a Banquet server and (hopefully) regular server. At least there the math won't be right in my face on a daily basis. I have a computer to do that for me, which makes me not quite so nervous about it. The only thing that annoyed me about the first interview there is that the woman conducting it kind of gave me a funny look and asked "what, you've never had a prior job?", which made me feel kind of bad. I don't mean to come off as lazy, but it's not my fault no one around me is hiring currently, or the few places that are are only looking for people with experience. Well, it's kind of hard to get any experience when no one's willing to take you in and train you. And as far as math and my inability to do it, it should work to my advantage and make the school I went to look bad, instead, employers look at it and think, "no, the problem is with you and the fact you're an idiot" shortly before tossing the application out. The only other issue was with Tri-C. I told them I'm taking the summer off and not planning on going anywhere else, nor am I looking for a summer job (which I don't think they really believed me) and I'm looking for something to help out with in school. Well, due to my amazing ability to think on my feet, when they asked why I could come in at 3 rather than earlier and so on, the only thing I could think of was home. Not "when fall semester starts, I'd be able to start at 3 because I'd need time to get my classes out of the way". Way to botch that one up, me... Other than that, it went rather smoothly. So, assuming I didn't fuck it up to the point where they want nothing to do with me, I'm hoping for a call to schedule a second interview with the person who'd be willing to train me in how to serve and so on. ...Not that saying hello, putting drinks on a table, asking how everyone's doing, pick up a check, ????, profit(!) should be entirely complex, but, just in case. I dunno... I probably sound like a whiner, but I'm tired of being jobless. I fucking HATE asking to bum money from penguin, simply because all it entails is shit storm the size of South America and, unfortunately, I can't exactly will my gas tank full every time I step into my car. It's pretty terrible...

"I Miss You", Blink-182

2010-05-30T23:27:00.000-04:00

Today's been a rather dismal day given I just watched a 45 minute video on Youtube all about what's going on in Uganda. In a nutshell, 3 christian pastors went to Uganda preaching homo-hate, basically and as a result, a bill was put in motion that would put gays in prison and "repeat offenders" to death... Awesome, right? Proof enough that for whatever reason, christians CAN'T leave well enough alone. Now, because of all this, people are rallying against gays, lesbians and so on and are in complete favour of the bill. I've seen and heard a lot of crazy shit in my 19 years of existence, but this is ludicrous. Frankly, I don't think ANYONE has the right to go to a foreign country for the sole purpose of pushing their beliefs at all. "You believe one thing, I believe another. Leave it alone", basically. But now, it's gotten so out of hand, going over there to try and stop it or threatening to cut off any help isn't going to help; it'll make matters worse, if anything. Pretty much, religion has turned a country that was fine the way it was into a homo-hating monster. And, for once, I'm not just rambling because I have a SERIOUS distaste for religion. Not that it's entirely surprising that they would pick a place like Uganda; one of the countries in Africa that relies the MOST on international help, is probably one of the poorest* (not a fact, just a leap of faith in guessing) and has the LEAST amount of materials for "proper" education (and when I say proper, I mean basing education standards on what's here in the US, which really isn't all that impressive on the grand scale of things). I mean, it just makes sense. Take a country that's practically on it's knees (no pun intended) and throw something like "God loves you, he'll fix all your problems and get rid of the gays and lesbians" blah blah blah and it'll get the people's minds off all the economic and political faults of said country and have it focusing entirely on something superficial when there are way bigger problems at hand. Why isn't all that aggression being taken out on the people it needs to be, like the people CAUSING Uganda's need for international help? How 'bout that? It's kind of like what's going on here. To me, Uganda's parliament seems to be dancing around the issue, much like politicians are doing here because if they legalize homosexuality (or gay marriage) they'll piss the religious groups off and there will be Matthew Shepherd-like cases popping up all over Uganda. If they don't, they'll piss off their international help and potentially lose it. It's basically a no-win situation-which could've been avoided if Pastor bible-thumping closet gay would've left well enough alone...

"Gravity", The Dresden Dolls

2010-05-29T19:32:00.000-04:00

"Unsaved", Deadstar Assembly

2010-05-25T21:22:00.000-04:00

I am so pissed at the Westboro Baptist Church I could fucking shoot someone... No, I'm not cool with the military or war or anything of that sort, but in spite of my opinions, I'm not gonna harass someone at a funeral, nor would I picket it. That's a blatant abuse of the freedom of speech. So, these fuckers decide to picket Ronnie James Dio's funeral, calling him a devil worshipper and so on. Like I said, I'm so pissed I could shoot someone... When is someone going to stand up and put an end to these acts of religious faggotry? Frankly, I'm fucking tired of it. It's one thing to go under the "christian" monicker and act like an asshole, we all know someone like that (*coughcoughTHEPRICKcoughcough*), but this is ridiculous. I mean...where do you draw the line? This isn't even a case of "freedom of speech" anymore, this is laziness (in my eyes, because no one wants to fuck with religious groups for fear of people going apeshit and calling "religious persecution") and leniency toward religion-which is bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit... It's kind of the reason I hate organized religion as a whole-no exceptions. One pity cry from one group can get every religious group in the nation against someone...

I'm so pissed I can't even put my thoughts in to words...

"The Mob Rules", Black Sabbath

2010-05-16T17:49:00.000-04:00

Ronnie James Dio is dead. I don't know what else to say...

"Have The Time", The Slackers

2010-05-13T11:49:00.000-04:00

It's okay, guys, Michael Bay's got this shit on lock.

By the way, 700 posts :D

"Two Hurt", Deluhi

2010-05-09T23:22:00.000-04:00

So, I've come to this realization: A. Video games are the work of the devil completely, in the sense that they get you addicted in a matter of minutes and B. Japan wins forever. How so? Simple: Pokemon and everything that's so ungodly cute you want one in real life. I'll admit it, I really want a Flareon that just follows me around and torches the shit out of anything/anyone who pisses me off. The sad thing is that Flareon will never exist. I like to think of it as Japan's way of getting back at us for World War II; We used brute strength to take out 3 of their cities, kill and maim a shit load of people and to retaliate, they create creatures that are so cute you can't help but want one (don't lie. EVERYONE wanted a pokemon or two back in the day). But then they essentially cock-slap you with the harsh reality that is "it'll never exist", therefore, Japan wins forever because they hit you were it hurts.